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Old 03-24-2011, 01:46 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hello and welcome, Inbetweener!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inbetweener View Post
I'm basically planning (if emotions can ever be restrained by plans), to keep a lid on my feelings for a few months at least, and not act on them, to give my husband time to feel settled in his new home, and for us to re-adapt to living together.
So do you have already someone in mind to pursue polyamorous dynamics with? If so, the situation becomes a whole lot more complicated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inbetweener View Post
The triad...i as much admitted to my husband that the 'sides of the triangle' might be uneven, ie, the three of us might have different levels of closeness and intensity. If i sat my husband down and said i was in love with someone, i'd probably be more into him than my husband, but i i felt it might be better if they at least got on really well with each other, and felt very close even if in a more...good friend/fondess way, than a madly in love way.

Rather than try to force things, as you said, do you think we'd be better if I just tried to ensure that any future additional partner i had, was someone who got on well with my husband?
Ah, metamour love. I shall vex poetic on this one for a while. If you are anything like me, you can take quite a lot of shit from other people, but God help them should they say one negative thing about someone you love! Or if someone hurts you, you get over it, forgive and sometimes forget, but if they hurt someone you love, their ass is meat!

So take all this intensity of emotion and then imagine a situation where somebody is saying beautiful and loving things about someone you also love. Or you see how happy being with someone makes your partner. Are you there yet? That's compersion, or the opposite of jealousy, for you. For me, compersion is the foundation of metamour love (metamour is a person who is a partner to your partner but with whom you don't have a romantic relationship yourself).

I know a few metamours who have more or less seriously considered becoming partnered themselves, but decided the time was not right atm. At the moment being the keyword. Very few things in poly are set in stone, and the same people can drift between friend/metamour/partner status multiple times in their lives. I feel an awesome tenderness and concern for my metamours, and want to know how they are doing as often as I want to hear about my partners, and I am (ATM!) physically not close with any of them. There is a strong sense of responsibility that follows from you realizing that being in a relationship with this person, everything you do affects everyone else who is also in a relationship with your partner.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inbetweener View Post
Maybe i need to work on my own jealousy? Maybe i need to discuss wih him what might occur if the situation were reversed, how i'd feel, and the possibilities in terms of having other partners.
Absolutely. You need to work your own stuff out before even starting to think of yourself as 'available'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inbetweener View Post
I know i'm selfish, but i think I'm glad he's less enhusiastic about having other partners himself, and i'm much more at ease with the idea of him being close friends with my additional partner, and satisfying any desire he has for variety with them if they were 'game' for that (which doesn't seem to be too great, he's sexually as well as emotionally very monogamous, my husband, though obviously he does have desire for other men).
I'd suggest doing a tag search for 'poly/mono' as well, and for 'triads' and 'unicorns' (a tongue-in-cheek term to denote a single bisexual who is willing to form a triad with an existing couple).

The one thing about unicorns is that not all of them are super-interested in being a sexual resource to one partner in order to alleviate their jealousy issues, without getting any emotional feedback in return. Triads don't alleviate jealousy; they can exponentially expand jealousy issues! Just think of how instead of just one person, you now have two people to be totally jealous of, and they are getting it on without you.

There are good blogs in the Life Stories section on triads, two that I have personally perused through are The Story of a Secondary by AnnabelMore and A Life Alien to Our Own by TeamD79. Read these two together, they offer quite a fascinating account of how a (potential) triad situation might look like from the point of view of the existing couple and the unicorn.
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Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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