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Old 03-23-2011, 11:05 PM
Inbetweener Inbetweener is offline
New Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 4

Hi Everyone,

I'm new here, and haven't introduced myself properly on the 'introduction' forum, for which i apologise. If i might beg the indulgence of a few moments of your time though, I'd like to explain my current situation, and how it came about, as i'm totally lost and in desperate need of some advice and support right now.

I'm 26, i'm a man, and i'm gay. I've been with my husband (legally married) for over 2 years now. We met online, and living so far away from each other, didn't meet face to face for the first 7 months of our relationship. Despite this, we were very much in love, and remained faithful to each other. After 9 months, i moved in with him, and we spent almost a year living together happily before i had to return 'home'. That was 6 months ago now, and apart from a couple of weeks over christmas (his very kind suprise gift for me) we've been physically seperated the whole time.
We're still happy, in love, and deeply committed to each other, and should be able to live together again soon once a few other non relationship issues are sorted out.
Several days ago i began to realise that despite the depth of my love for my husband, i have smooshy feelings for other guys. I find myself looking at a guy who's cute, charming, funny, bright..and feeling romantic desires beyond the merely physical.
At first i felt like i was being disloyal. Tentatively, I shared my feelings with my husband, but made a bit of a hash of it, accidentily implying i preferred someone else to him. He felt a bit sleighted, but i eventually assured him this was not the case. I am deeply in love with my husband, and have spent 2 years faithful to him, including the 15 (non contiguous) months we've spent apart. I was pleasantly suprised that he wasn't angry, and instead he asked me if i wanted a polyamorous relationship. I explained i wasn't sure, and had conflicted feelings. After a days thinking, i realised i did. I told my husband as much, taking great pain to explain to him that i love him and that will never change, nor will anyone ever 'steal me' away, as my own greatest fear is losing him. I was careful to explain that this, for me, is not something sexually motivated, and an 'open relationship' was not what i sought. Frankly, and as odd as it sounds, the idea of one is highly undesirable to me. For both myself and my husband, sex is inherently emotional.
He explained that he didn't like the idea of polyamory, and right now was opposed to it (and would be for the forseeable future), but that he'd be willing to sort of...decide depending how he felt, if and when i told him i had deep feelings for another man. I think he was actually really understanding about my feelings and request, and very reasonable about where to go from here.
Anyway, yesterday i raised the issue again as i had some questions playing on my mind, and we decided on a few basic rules. We agreed that I'd tell him when i developed feelings for other guys, that were more than just liking a guy, but before they were so serious that there was any risk of me doing something stupid (not that i would, but i understand his concern). We also agreed that we'd then decide together, what to do about my feelings, with me well aware that he might still not want me to act on my feelings. He did agree to consider it though, and i agreed to respect his feelings as well as my previous commitments to him ahead of any future 'loves' i might have. Which was fair enough. I don't want to hurt him, even if it means denying my feelings for other men, and besides: being in this relationship as monogamous before bringing up he issue of polyamory, i feel more than somewhat honour bound to respect my previous commitments.
He also explained that he wouldn't want additional partners, even if I did. In order to alleviate his fears of being replaced in my affections, I suggested that we embrace something i had read about called a 'Triad', a term you're all probably more familiar with than i am. My theory was thus: if we, together, take someone as a 'third husband', someone we both love and both desire, and who feels thusly about both of us, it'd alleviate my husband's fears, as well as mine own fears of having foisted upon him, something which i've only now, 2 years in, realised i want myself.
He seemed to warm slightly to the idea. He still maintains that he has no desire to engage i such a relationship at the moment, but he did explain that he would only consider such a thing if it were 'a very special guy'. I was somewhat heartened by this response, implying that, for the right man, he might consider a... 'triangular marriage' i guess you could call it.

The reason i've shared all this, is because this is obviously new territory for me. I have a lot of different feelings about all this. On the one hand, i feel strongly that i'm capable of loving more than one man, and that this is something i want to explore, and express. On the other, my husband is not as keen, if not absolutely opposed. I'm concerned about hurting him, and i meant it when i promised him that he comes first, and that i'd only proceed with his full awareness and permission. His offer to consider i come the time has made me optimistic. So too has his hinting that he might seriously consider it if it were to form a 'triad' with (in his words), a 'very special person', that was bound tightly by equally shared love, desire, and intimacy. I'm happy to wait until we meet such a guy, and feel far more relaxed about this option, as i think it'd be easier on my husband. (as well as being easier on me- the thought of sharing my husband with a man who i did not love, somewhat hypocritically, does fill me with unease) However, despite telling my partner i'd only propose an 'expansion of our relationship if it were triangular' i must admit that i still like the idea (if less so) of having a 2nd partner of my own.

I'm looking for anyone's thoughts or opinions on what i've written about so far, as well as any advice or tips people might have on how to move forward. I'd like to try to convince my husband to be more amenable to the idea of polyamory, especially the triad idea which i feel would help both he and I feel less insecure and jealous about the idea of sharing the other. Should i even try to convince him, or should i give him space? Should we seek to become a 'triad', or does that have it's own problems which i haven't yet considered, and should i instead seek to reassure my husband while seeking to have a 2nd partner myself wheher he does or not?

I'm fairly lost right now, and unsure of what to do, and say, and where to go both myself and as a couple, from here. My husband is the only person i've told, and i'm in desperate need of some support and advice. My husband has been marvellous about it all, reaction with understanding and an open mind, while being honest about his own feelings. Even so, i still feel 'alone' in the sense that he does not seem to want this at the moment, and so i'm struggling with my polyamorous feelings not only in the context of my marriage, but also as an individual. I thought that, on this forum, someone might be able to relate to my situation.

All comment, thought, opinion, advice, and tidbits of wisdom would be *mightily* appreciated.

Thanks for reading.


PS: i'm so very sorry for the length of the above post.


Last edited by NeonKaos; 03-23-2011 at 11:11 PM. Reason: merge posts
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