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Old 03-23-2011, 05:34 PM
habitat habitat is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 20

So, Pretty was very understanding of my request to reinstate the previously agreed-upon boundary. He has talked to Ladybug, so that should be the deal henceforth and until further notice. Good stuff.

Pretty and I have decided that we are going to stick with 3-4 nights a week, depending upon availability. This is actually the healthiest way for me to go, I think, since I really should be focusing on my personal goals a bit more, and preparing for the conception of my first child. Still, this poly thing is so hard. I didn't imagine that I would be this jealous, but I don't think the circumstances helped (boundary-crossing, super quick progress into NRE, etc). It would, presumably, have been a lot easier at a slower pace and with a lot more discussion.

I do wonder how I should get more comfortable with the idea of spending time with Lovebug and talking to her. Pretty said that she would be intimidated at first, as she has some feelings of guilt, and I want to ease that as much as possible. It's not going to work for me if I can't easily talk to Lovebug on a friend level. I really like her and would like it to be easy for us to get along.

Any suggestions on getting along openly with your parter's first new, serious, potentially long-term committed love?

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I'm glad you realize that even though people are not open to genderfuck in their own lives that some of us do understand the theory behind it and/or support it.

People who have a hard time with stuff generally don't say anything on a thread or when they do, do so knowing that the members writing are not going to allow them to get away with much. Sometimes these things are a matter of educating and being patient. Good for you for seeing that patience and acceptance are important... I enjoy the diversity here emmensely and do hope that anyone writing will feel safe and supported regardless of where they are coming from... that doesn't mean that there won't be debate, but acceptance within it.... hopefully.
I totally get it, redpepper, and I certainly was by no means implying that the community was flagrantly homophobic, etc. I would be foolish to imply that, as there is clearly a great deal of gender/sexual deviance here. A big, genuine thank you for sharing a space that aims at diversity and learning. I am truly happy to find a place where I am comfortable enough to post about our situation honestly, and expect feedback that is accepting and positive.

When posting about homophobic tones in certain threads I came across, I only meant to imply that what discomfort there is with queerness should always be noticed and pointed out, and I think that on the whole (and to my limited experience searching tags, etc), that certainly is handled well here. That can only come where people are intentional about educating themselves and opening a dialogue. I make it a point not to be in denial of some people's prejudices, whatever the environment, but I am not pointing fingers and not singling people out. I do feel that queerness and feminist values, and the acceptance/exploration thereof, should be central to the poly conversation. Exposure is important, but it's not everything, and genuine reflection on our own developing views are always crucial. That is not to say that I disapprove of closed Vs with males at the point, for instance, or that I find them inherently problematic in themselves. I am, after all sort of in one. but where the feminist/sexual/gender-deviance conversation is not there, I would argue that the poly relationship is unhealthy. But then, I would argue that any un-analyzed, conditioned patriarchal attitude is unhealthy. But that's just kind of my rub, coming from the place and perspective that I do. I understand we're all learning.

Thanks again, everyone, for your wholehearted support.

Last edited by habitat; 03-23-2011 at 08:14 PM.
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