I don't know how proud I'll be of any part of this relationship in 10 or 20 years. I don't know how proud I"ll be of the email I sent her yesterday but it sure did make me feel better.
My relationship with C is almost over and I can feel myself starting to disengage from him already. I'll move out in a few months and I won't see much of him anymore, if at all. It doesn't matter very much to me anymore if he's spending time with me or out doing other things and Misty has made it pretty clear that our paths never need to cross. So I expressed my frustration and hurt and told her I'm done trying to reach out to her since I don't feel my efforts are being reciprocated and I find it pretty offensive that she will share a lover with me but only if she can pretend I don't exist.
It feels freeing. I don't have to worry about the poly anymore or making it work or not withdrawing when I'm hurt and scared and really want to hide. I don't have to strive to make C happy so he'll want spend time with me. I don't have to talk about her or hear about her or wonder how they're doing and how that might affect me. I still love him but I can't live like this.
I don't belong here. I'm monogamous and I never want to be in another poly relationship. But I keep being drawn to this place. Like I still have unresolved issues, maybe? Or I still need it to get through the last throes of my time with C? I don't know, but thanks for your input jasminegld. It's nice to know someone is listening.