I hope you truly figure this out. I don't feel like the best source of knowledge in this because I feel my own experience is so heavily dependant on one thing. I truly have not loved someoene the way I love Redpepper...that is the deciding factor. If my ex wife had of mentioned wanting another man I would have left immediately.
I honestly wouldn't recommend a mono/poly relationship to very many people. Especialy one involving distances..so I would be of little aid to your situation I'm afraid. Sorry
I have posted benefits and pitfalls on other threads however.
I hope you all find happiness and love