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Old 03-22-2011, 06:19 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,989

Welcome to the Forum.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
A lot of men have been trained not to show emotions by their parents.... I'm a parent too, its so important to make sure that we teach our kids to be emotionally strong, especially boys. What he does for himself now will rub off on his child for the better too.
I'll echo this as well, since it's a pretty common denominator for boys who don't want to communicate about their feelings...and if he never has, it's probably something deep rooted that's holding him back.

I'm guess you've been together for at least 3 years or you were high school sweethearts maybe? College lovers? Something like that? Which despite the young age, I think it's a great time to get together with someone... (I met my wife when I was 17, and started dating when I was 19) Yes, you're both still figuring out who you are, what you want, and what kind of people you're going to be, but as long as you're dedicated to doing that together, then your relationship to each other simply becomes a part of that process (rather than waiting till later when a relationship needs to be added to a perhaps less flexible mold).

What my wife and I always had though was very open communication. As much as I was socialized with the same 'men don't cry, or talk about their feelings' nonsense as everyone else, I didn't learn a lot of the testosterone poisoning lessons very well. They still affect me from time to time, as has been pointed out with me when my expressions about feelings get stuck in my throat...but for the most part I've learned to get over them.

So...some of the points others have made are perfectly valid as well and I'd encourage you too look at them seriously, like figuring out what needs of yours aren't being met. And poly may be a way of life you'll want to follow, or not, but I think it'll be bigger than the simple question of emotional expression. And if you do want to try it, it'll be extremely challenging to do so when your bf's feelings are so cloistered, since if poly needs anything to be successful, it's honesty, respect and communication. And you need communication before you can get honesty, so you're already down 2 of the 3.

And the 3rd...if you don't disclose your feelings, and possibly emotional wanderlust to your bf, are you really showing him the respect he'd deserve?
(this is rhetorical mostly for you to answer to yourself...)

My suggestion to you would be to concentrate less on poly for poly sake, or the new poly guy, and work on your relationship with your bf. It won't matter if you're poly or mono, you're in a relationship with a decent fellow already, the father of your child, best friend, and so learning the communication and such will serve you well no matter what.

The trick will be trying to break him out of his shell, and maybe getting him to work on it. I found it's very easy in conventional mono relationships to kind of run on autopilot and just cruise...without really paying attention to the needs or wants of your partner, or yourself. When there aren't a lot of outside forces poking, prodding, and pulling, the relationship can carry on like that for quite a while. It's convenient sometimes, but I'm not convinced it's healthy in the long run.

Originally Posted by Emily View Post
Ive talked to him about his lack of emotions, and my abundance of emotions, but it always comes back to him saying thats just not how he is, and that i should accept him.
I mean no offence to him at all, but i think we have completly different levels of maturity.
That's the autopilot..."just accept it"'s a double edged sword though, since you could say the same about needing that emotional expression or at least discussion.
There's a fine line...between trying to change your partner to something you want, and them changing themselves to meet the needs of the relationship...yet without change, most relations ships are likely to stagnate and die. Bummer eh?

And I'd caution you not to mistake a reluctance to discussion emotions the way you want with maturity. They're not related.

Have you actually broached the subject of poly with him? Or are you just assuming that you know his mind on it? If you didn't know of it before your new friend came along, then how do you know he's not simply ignorant of the possibilities?

Originally Posted by Emily View Post
I do consider that person who told me about polyamory a gift, it just seems right for me, and im glad i know about it. I dont think that he himself would want to be in any type of relationship with me, besides a friendship, but he's a good friend to have. I havnt even told him about how seriously i am conisdering it. He knows i was interested, but i just cant stop thinking about it.
Sounds like a good fellow to keep around...and if he's not actually a prospect then it'll be a decent way to approach the subject without actually having another partner 'waiting in the wings' so to's generally not comforting to the current partners, and puts a lot of undue pressure on the process.

And I'd also suggest keeping your emotions in check while you're figuring out what to do. The general stats are that Men get most upset about physical infidelity, and women get most upset about staying emotionally. Stats have nothing to do with your bf though, so don't assume that he won't be just as angry about straying emotionally. The notion of not having control of who you fall in love with is a great excuse when you're justifying a long haired punk guitarist to the parents, but doesn't wash when you're telling it to a long term partner. There are ways to control the heart, and you always have control over your own actions...and just as well, since yours are the only actions you do have control over.

Originally Posted by Emily View Post

Ive never posted on forums much before, but it think ill be one this one alot.
You're certainly welcome to stick around as long as you want.
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

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