It happens often that the new person, the "secondary," gets the shitty end of the stick timewise. It's a bit the opposite in my relationship because of my husband's stupid work schedule.
With my boyfriend, he knows the kid comes first and that I have obligations that I can't avoid.
After taking care of life business and the kiddo, I have to make sure that I spend enough time with Thumper and T-Rex individually, both to meet my needs and theirs.
Thumper's work schedule tends to make our alone time difficult. T-Rex keeps me company twice a week when Thumper works overnight. We spend Thursday nights and Sunday morning and afternoons together, all three of us.
Theoretically, Thumper has the rest of the time, but too much of that gets eaten up by life stuff. We are trying to work out a better schedule of date nights and times for sex and cuddles alone together.
Time management is hard. Sometimes Thumper is bothered that he gets more sex and cuddles when there's the three of us together than when it's just he and I alone. and that's a legitimate beef. We're working on it.
Still, our relationship has grown closer since we opened our marriage. We communicate better, are more intimate and loving, and have more and better sex. We still need to work on some stuff... can't be together for 11 years without picking up some baggage...
Which is another point... being with T-Rex is teaching me, slowly, how to jettison the baggage. I have been with Thumper long enough, it's like I need remedial loving lessons. With T-Rex, it's a fresh start with no baggage. I learn how to love and be intimate without all the baggage, with a fresh perspective on it and able to bring into it everything I've learned over the years. Then I am able to bring that fresh perspective on loving back into my relationship with my husband, which enriches it.
Being with T-Rex unblocks me emotionally so I can be a better wife to Thumper. It's not an instantaneous thing. The lessons take a while to transfer over because they are very different from each other in many ways, but Thumper and I are feeling much more hopeful and connected. There was never any question of us ever breaking up, but entering into poly has given us experiences that have shown us how we can make our relationship better.
We are learning to see in what ways we are blocking and sabotaging our intimacy and working hard to dismantle the barriers that have grown up over the years. I credit poly with much of this. The emphasis on open, honest communication and how poly forces you to monitor your relationships and tend to them rather than just letting them grow wild... this builds skills that have benefited all my loving relationships.
Hinge of a V relationship with my husband (Thumper) and boyfriend (T-Rex). Also, mother of a 6 y/o girl by my husband.
My poly story begins here
. Now with new blogging
Last edited by Penny; 03-22-2011 at 09:43 AM.