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Old 03-22-2011, 05:11 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 211

Well I'm one who definitely got burned on this concept of infinite begetting more love...when it comes to poly. A guy I met through an online site introduced me to the idea of poly. I'd never heard of it before. At first I was "No way! Fine for others. Not for me!" One of the concerns I had expressed was that I had always found it challenging enough to find time for my former husband, my children (when they were young), my job and my "self", much less trying to add anyone(s) else to our lives. (I'm currently divorced, single and my children are now adults.)

He was living with a female partner at the time we "met". He and I are heterosexual and she is bi-sexual. They were raising her 8 year old son from her prior marriage. They had the idea that they eventually hoped to form a poly family of sorts. He sought to reassure me that there was enough love to go around...that love was infinite.

I did a lot of reading and discussing of poly with him. Eventually I moved to live closer to him and his partner. (We had lived 7 hours a part) This move was agreed on by all 3 of us. I lived with them the first month until I found my own place...which had been the plan all along. We all did activities together as a "family" and separate activities as a "couple" occasionally. I met some of their friends and became friends with them. The one glitch was that I often felt like I was being treated as a "secondary" when it came to decision making, etc. and had told him that more than once. He told me more than once that he didn't mean for me to feel that way and that he didn't see me that way.

After moving into my own place, I saw less and less of him. We lived an hour a part, so I certainly didn't expect to see him daily. But, he had said prior to my moving that he thought we'd be able to see each other a couple of times a week/on a weekend. I was willing to make the drive to where they lived and to include other family members as part of "our" time together. (I had already gone out with him, his other partner's son and her mother to various events when his other partner had to work, so that wasn't anything new. I even babysat for her son when both of them had to work on a Saturday one time.)

Three months after I moved into my own place and after several discussions, he tells me that he's very busy with his new job, he's tired, busy co-parenting, she's busy finishing up college and starting a new job, etc., and that "No" he couldn't commit to seeing me once a week. But...he still loved me and wanted me as a part of his life...and so on and so on. (The only factor that had changed since we had discussed my moving to live near them was him getting a different job. All the other factors were the same.) He said he was willing to see me and spend time with me "whenever it worked out". (He didn't like it when I expressed it as "Oh, so what you're saying is that you still love me and want me in your life, and that you'll see me if and when it's convenient for you?" )

I broke it off at that point in time. I had said from the beginning that I would consider being in a poly relationship with him as another "primary", but that I had NO interest in being a "secondary" with him. I recently heard that he and his partner are mono for the time being until things get settled down better in their lives. I wish they'd figured that out before he involved me in their lives! It would have saved me an immense amount of pain and loss. "Love" in theory is infinite....but "Love" is also an action....a verb...not just a noun. In my situation, "love" wasn't infinite in terms of an action. It's been 3 months since I broke it off with him...and I still cry myself to sleep some nights over this loss.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 03-22-2011 at 05:37 AM.
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