Originally Posted by Tonberry
I don't have much help to offer here, but I was wondering, if you use female pronouns for Pretty when in a safe place, any reason you don't here? Is it because this isn't a safe place? (
) or are you worried sentences like "her penis" would be weird?
Because I can assure you that people here wouldn't have a problem with it. It might take a little bit to process the relationship dynamics at first (it always does with poly anyways) but once that's establish, it should be fine. Pretty isn't the only genderqueer we hear about around here.
But maybe I misunderstood and Pretty is neither or both, so you just picked one for here, and use a different one when you're home, or something?
Good question! I'm glad that this is a (somewhat, at least) queer-concious safe spot, though I have noticed some less-than-sensitive/homophobic threads (and many of the dynamics seem a to lean towards male-centricity, which seems to be the cultural norm even within the poly community), but I'm aware that's not a fault of the community at large, and that the outward dynamic doesn't necessarily speak to someone's point-of-view. And I and am happy to gain whatever support I can get.
Let me reassure you, I'm not worried about the "weirdness" of my girlfriend/boyfriend/partner having a penis at all, regardless of pronouns. Being in an amazing and supportive queer/feminist community, I know many women with penises and I know many men who are capable of getting pregnant. I'm very comfortable with Pretty's queerness, as he is with mine, and would have absolutely no qualms about using female pronouns, but where and when I/we do so is up to him. Our rule of thumb is to go by male pronouns unless Pretty explicitly expresses the want or need to use female pronouns, which happens usually in very queer-oriented environments, where he feels most safe about his identity. It's all about consent. The only place that we've agreed is always 100% safe is in our room. That's about his comfort level, not mine. I'm up for whatever makes us feel good, and I like referring to him by either pronouns (though I will admit that I really do love using his female pronouns, when we've decided that's okay).
Pretty and I work really hard at practicing good consent on every level. It's very important to us, which is part of why this boundary issue is really hard right now.
A General Update:
I texted Pretty and he agreed to discuss things tomorrow night, and that he and Ladybug won't breech any boundaries.
We'll see how it goes when we talk about it tomorrow night. I'm hoping that he will discuss things with Ladybug, to get a better idea of what her goals and ideas are for their relationship. I think that I would like it if Ladybug were open enough to talk with both of us about this, but she's from a pretty strong mono background (until she and Pretty fell for eachother
), and I get the impression that it would be a stretch for her in the beginning. Does anyone have any experience with group discussions early in a new relationship?
I'm not sure what the talk will be like, at any rate, but I'm glad we'll be having it.