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Old 03-21-2011, 08:39 PM
habitat habitat is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
You are not being way too much of anything. You are being you and that is the best you can do. I think it's very appropriate to have concerns about their speed in becoming intimate and how they broke a well known boundary. It's a shame they didn't think to talk about it first, but there is no time like the present to slow down and re-negotiate.

The thing with breaking boundaries is that everything slows down after wards until everyone is feeling respected, trusted and trusting again. Barreling forward and just saying "fuck it, its done now" doesn't seem to work if those being disrespected aren't being considered... consideration is huge in Poly I think.

I think that if you love him (in capital letters) then you should ask for your needs to be met regardless of whether or not you think you are unjustified or not. That is where the negotiations should start I think... at the pace of the one that is struggling the most.

Keep at it and keep being radically honest with them. Keep at staying true to your heart. If they are unable to "control" the love and NRE they have, then that would be a big red flag to me that raising a kid with them in my life would mean I can't rely on them. That's okay, but something to note about the future I think.

Thanks so much. It's nice to hear that my feelings are legitimate and that I deserve to have my boundaries respected.

I do realize now that I was perhaps being a bit... permissive when we talked about it last night, and have been thinking about it in pretty finite terms.

He was having a hard time communicating post-transgression. He felt very guilty and anxious and when he feels that way he tends to get a little paralyzed. I kept trying to reassure him that he breeched our agreement because those boundaries weren't appropriate anymore, and that I wasn't going to try to stop him from doing what he wanted. He agreed and said that he wasn't prepared not to engage in that particular way with Lovebug. So here I am, kicking myself for not making my needs clear and hoping that I can remedy the situation.

I just texted him at work (he's going straight from work to her house), reestablishing my comfort level and asking him not to breech the boundary again until we've had more conversation and more time. There are plenty of things that they can do besides have PIV intercourse, if they want to. We'll see how he responds.
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