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Old 03-21-2011, 07:47 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by habitat View Post
My immediate impulse is to take back some control - to really turn down the volume on my relationship with Pretty and make it way more part-time, and perhaps even PIV/fluids-free. I have a three-nights-a-week scenario in mind, which would be a powerful change for us. I'm not sure if I'm acting out of resentment or common sense - he wants to seriously develop his relationship with Ladybug and I know that if I don't start weaning myself, time-wise, he will do the weaning for me. Regardless of how I might want to feel, that scares the living $%^& out of me. I'm ashamed to say that part of me just wants to be done with it, even, since I can't guarantee that my comfort levels will be taken into account, and neither can he.

But then, I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM. I want him to be around and part of my family as I become pregnant, give birth and raise a child. A part of me is afraid that he's moving away from me - that he's prioritizing other relationships over keeping ours comfortable and safe, because they're more important. Maybe these are crazy thoughts, but I'm not sure.

What do people think? How could I most adequately communicate/respond/advocate for myself and our relationship? Am I being too this way or that way?
You are not being way too much of anything. You are being you and that is the best you can do. I think it's very appropriate to have concerns about their speed in becoming intimate and how they broke a well known boundary. It's a shame they didn't think to talk about it first, but there is no time like the present to slow down and re-negotiate.

The thing with breaking boundaries is that everything slows down after wards until everyone is feeling respected, trusted and trusting again. Barreling forward and just saying "fuck it, its done now" doesn't seem to work if those being disrespected aren't being considered... consideration is huge in Poly I think.

I think that if you love him (in capital letters) then you should ask for your needs to be met regardless of whether or not you think you are unjustified or not. That is where the negotiations should start I think... at the pace of the one that is struggling the most.

Keep at it and keep being radically honest with them. Keep at staying true to your heart. If they are unable to "control" the love and NRE they have, then that would be a big red flag to me that raising a kid with them in my life would mean I can't rely on them. That's okay, but something to note about the future I think.
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