Feel much better lately up in my head. It is looking more and more like I had my first brush with seasonal depression making other stressors get me down more than I'm use to experiencing. I even got back together with J and things with him have become lovely. One of his past partners moved back to town and she and I get along really well. Things are so much lighter and enjoyable now. Yay NRE!
But some other things got shaken out as well recently. Things I believe were a contributing factor to my feeling low and indecisive.
When we began this, we each had concerns we put on the table for consideration to decide what our boundaries should be. We do have one sexual "sore spot" that influenced one of them. It had to do with group play. We have had threesomes in the past, ALWAYS with another girl. And always to some stupid detrimental outcome on his part. I ended up feeling like my sexuality was being use against me. I began to be guarded on this subject and didn't want to do that with him anymore till some reciprocity was shown.
The boundaries he wanted were no bondage, no group play, no drug use.
I looked at these boundaries, found them wise and agreed. I was more than happy to keep the rough play between Husband and I only, not big on drug use anyway, and completely understood that the group play conflict should be sorted out with us rather than ignored and taken to someone else.
Enter new girl for him. Toppy, likes pharm experimentation, and group play. Jeesh! And with me having yet to meet her, all conversations about this new partner have been with only Husband and I. It became very apparent that when he put these boundaries on the table he was only thinking of how they apply to me and not very much how or if they apply to him!
These boundaries were to prevent simple, naive me from getting herself in a fix with a bad person or messed up on drugs or in a compromising position with two or more bad people.
Are you EFFING serious?! Two things I am not and have never been since a young teenager is simple and naive. I wasn't even naive by teenager standards! Husband met me when I was 29 and I'd been able to think for myself about risks and keep myself out of trouble for many many years. I know not to dabble in these subjects with someone I don't know well and feel completely safe with. I'm not a big risk taker and have no horror stories by which I've learned to be as cautious as I am and I feel there is a reason for that that I'm not being credited with. Once I began to realize why these boundaries were important to him I was heated! I hated every aspect of this new association and couldn't even put my finger on why.
I love time and how it reveals why we feel the way we do about the things that trouble us. I chipped at it and kept talking about it. It became obvious to me that I don't hate the new association he has at all. I hated the idea of following rules I thought applied to us both while he quietly indulges in them with someone WE don't trust and he hasn't known long enough to really say he can trust. You can't say anything about someone for certain after only two dates to dabble in these themes. And expecting me to forgo them with someone we've been knowing for almost a year is insulting to say the least! This was part of why I was feeling so down on myself; I was being treated as a child in the relationship and it was causing me to question my hard earned judgment. Well the clear thinking head I've always counted on is back due to increased vitamin D and UV rays and so is my inner bitch and spine.
New girl and J have been invited to the discussion about boundaries over dinner. Husband didn't care for the idea at first but it is important to me that he own up to why he wanted these particular boundaries in the first place and that they were indeed HIS boundaries initially. I will not tolerate the tone it sets to have these reevaluated under the assumption that they were MY boundaries and I had to be placated into changing them. Nor will I have J thinking I'm secretly disregarding agreements made with my husband while with him. I don't want him wearing any guilt while continuing to build a good metamour relationship with my husband.