Originally Posted by ambleew
I'm not really sure where to start. I have posted a couple of times about my situation . (Names Changed except mine) I am married and together my husband and I have a girlfriend, Nicole. My husband met her at work and for awhile things were going OKAY. Honestly though, I think I have had more bad days than good. Where they both seem to have good days for the most part.
I have struggled with this SOOOO much. We have only been with her for three months..but to help financially, she moved in a couple of weeks ago. Things have been okay as far as her living here, but I have been having doubts again and I almost feel like it's to late to do anything about it. Nicole has NO family here (in Texas) and has a very strained relationship with most of her family that is out of state. She does have a few friends here. She met my family this weekend and that seemed to go okay. The next day, however, my husband told his mother without any warning. (When my mother and mother in law talked..my mother expressed how she wishes Nicole would just go away ) I was so pissed off that he told his mother. I think mostly because it makes me see how serious he really is, that he would tell his mother of all people. She had NO idea I was even bisexual and in a way, I feel that it was not his place to tell her about that part of my life. He sees this as a forever thing with Nicole, and I don't.
My question is...what in the HELL do I do?? Everytime I tell my husband about these doubts he swears up and down its my PMS talking and that I'm being really mean. (Because I tell him how bad she gets on my nerves and thinks everything she says is bullshit)
We got into a horrible argument before she even moved in. The argument was so bad, I thought he was going to leave me. I'm not sure if it's the poly thing or not, but I don't feel strongly for her like he does and I have TRIED! And I may not be the hottest thing..but I'm not that attracted to her in that way. She is not my type of girl and she acts so immature all the time. GRRR. What do I do? Is it just too late to do anything since she lives here now??
I am 31, hubby is 27 and girlfriend Nicole is 24.
I was in a poly class years ago that explained "after the honeymoon" when it comes to these situations. It was a great class.
Poly throws in our face the problems we have in our marriage, because as we watch our mate have their honeymoon period with the newbie, its easy to feel we're the "old shoe" a bit as we think of our problems with them. They haven't developed problems yet...but will (nice to think we never will when it's all huggy and kissy face, but...lmao). If it's meant to be they will survive it like you and he did when their own issues arise. But they don't exist yet. It's too new! So it seems all fluffy bunnies between them, and it puts a spotlight on the issues you all have.
Now....As far as PMS, you must ask....no demand your mate in a kind way not to do that to you whether you are PMSing or not. If he won't, don't stay with him. Seriously. It sounds drastic, but man who step on boundaries are so not worth your time, no matter the level of love. Bringing up your Goddess cycle to shut you up in expressing your feelings, well it's rude, crude, and men who do it get what's coming to them. It lowers our self esteem too much. Many men don't get this, so you need to explain. Start out very nice, but demand at the same time! If he loves you, he'll understand when you declare it a boundary he cannot cross. You can't let up on this one. It's offensive. It's like saying to a man who might not be very endowed down South...."Aw...are you angry because your manhood is little and cute"? That's how bad it hurts me when men do it. I don't allow it...ever! I'll break up with a man who insists on such dishonor.
When you get into such things as this, it will be fluffy between them for a while. If you have a new man, you'll act the same probably, because y'all haven't had your problems yet either. It levels out.
To survive this, you must find joy in the smiles on your husband's face, knowing it's your understanding that gave that to him. Otherwise, you risk singling yourself out as they feel unloved by you. We don't mean to do that, but it's what can sometimes happen. If you let her into your husbands life, allow them their honeymoon period, just like you enjoyed with him. Don't take it away from them, or it could turn on you. Eventually, it will level out. Establish boundaries fast...all of you. Then stick to them.