My girlfriend and I knew nothing about poly until we fell in love with a female friend last July. Since then, we have been pursuing a poly-fi triad, and we have been fortunate enough to date numerous 20-something “unicorns”. Unfortunately, our track record has been less than stellar, as indicated by the fact that we are still in search of the triad. But more disconcertingly, our experiences make us wonder if poly is worth the pain we unintentionally put the girls through. Are these common problems? Have you experienced similar problems? Is America truly ready for poly?
Our personal experiences indicate a huge “NO”. And these experiences are enough to make us give up on poly, lest we inflict more unintentional pain on people (which hurts us too). I understand that we have the option of staying in the closet and never coming out. Is this what everyone is doing? Is this really the only way that one can be poly in America?
Here are three of the girls we've dated. All names have been changed.
Kaley – She was in love with my girlfriend and she liked me. But she did not have the courage to come out to her parents as bi, let alone poly, fearing retribution. She came from an extremely conservative culture where bisexuality would have caused her to be disowned. It was a heartbreaker because we had a great chemistry and we genuinely liked each other. The relationship ended bitterly, before it even really started, and it took a long time for everyone’s heart to heal.
Mia – She was extremely beautiful, and there was strong attraction among us from the get-go. Though never been poly, she instantly understood and loved the concept of the triad when we explained it to her. In fact, she was so excited about us that she called her mother that very night and announced her intention to be with us. This turned out to be a serious mistake. Her mother was enraged, calling us "disgusting deviants”. She vowed to disown Mia, and even managed to track down my girlfriend’s mother to telephone her with vicious words, promising retribution for our “corrupting” Mia. Mia was terrified and became depressed over the coming months, communicating with us in secret but not being able to meet with us. We eventually stopped talking. She now lives at home, a virtual prisoner, under the constant watch of her mother. Her mother refuses to accept that her daughter is bisexual, and Mia is fighting a severe depression.
Rena – She had a crush on my girlfriend, not realizing my girlfriend was with me. She showed up at our house when my girlfriend was not home, and she was stunned to find me answer the door. But after the initial shock wore off, we had a great conversation (it felt like a perfect blind date). We became friends, and when we shared that we were trying to be poly, she enthusiastically volunteered herself. She loved the idea of the triad, so much so that she began to tell everyone she knew about it, including her ex. Again, a huge mistake. Her ex found the idea so repulsive and outrageous that he had his lawer give her a call. The lawyer told her she was exhibiting “deviant behavior”, “emotional instability”, and “complete lack of judgment”. Then he said the ex would take her to court to take away her kids (she shared custody with the ex) unless she stopped seeing me and my girlfriend. She called us in tears that night, devastated and broken, and told us goodbye. The last we heard, she was struggling with anxiety and depression.