I am happy, sad, hopeful, depressed, more reassured and yet insecure, more confident and yet still afraid...
Maca and I met today for our first "Goal Making Meeting". We drove 2 hours down the driveway, talking. It was a little stilted at first, both of us a little defensive, not wanting to say the wrong thing or whatever.
Once we got to the middle of nowhere
we managed to go over our goal lists, added to them, compressed them into more succinct plans. We agreed on 6 specific goals for this week between us. 1 is just his, 2 are just mine and 3 are for both of us to do.
We have agreed to meet each Saturday to discuss how we are doing, figure out what needs to be done the next week and ensure that our current actions are moving us towards our long term goals.
This is a big first for us. Up until now most of our marriage has run on "auto-pilot" and our auto-pilot guy sucks.
He took our little girl tonight, they had to leave too soon-I mean, it's 9 at night, but it felt like we didn't get but a few seconds together (it's not true, but that's how it felt). He's bringing her back tomorrow. We'll see each other when he brings her home, then.... another week.
I miss him so much.
His smell, the way the sun shines in his hair, his beautiful blue eyes.
The way he gives me his arm whenever we walk, the way he matches his steps to mine.
The way his mustache tickles my face when we kiss. His tongue caresses my lips and mouth....
The way his hand feels when our fingers are entwined.
I should simply appreciate the moments we shared today, they were good AND
they were productive. That means that we have a real chance to have a future, because we're actually working on it.
But damn it waiting sucks. I love him. I already KNOW I love him, I want to feel him in my arms, not fall asleep thinking of him alone in town while I'm here.
We shared a rough moment. I've moved our daughter and her baby into our room. Because-he's not here, why do I need a 330 square foot room? I don't. I won't stay with GG all of the time, I put some of my stuff in the laundry room and some in my personal bathroom. But, I don't need the space as much as she does with the little guy.
We're only part way through moving her stuff in there, and there is still a closet full of stuff that belongs to Maca and I in there. He and I were looking for something and stood there for a minute. We didn't say a word, but I'm sure he was feeling the same things I was. Regret, longing, disappointment, loss. It hurts.
We agreed to log a positive experience each day in a diary and in a different diary something that we could have done better or need to work on each day.
We also agreed to do 3 "The Work" worksheets a each this week. (www.thework.com)The
goal being to work through some of the anger, resentment, jealousies etc that are destroying our relationship from the inside out.
We also have some personal goals (I'm going to try to finish 2 chapters of math and start my French) to work on this week.
When we meet Saturday next week, we'll check in on what we did or didn't accomplish, set new goals for the next week and talk about what we learned, need, want, etc.
It was a good day, but the ending of the day made it feel very.... bittersweet.