Originally Posted by Anneintherain
I got stuck on this. My husband does this a lot. I question or worry or am upset about something he has done or wants to do, then he gets all melodramatic self sacrificing and says I WONT DO THIS AT ALL THEN. Really, you aren't doing your wife any favors.
COMMUNICATION. That is where it is at. It seems like you are being a jerk to A. You are also being a jerk to T by being passive aggressive and sacrificing yourself for her when..if I get this right...she didn't ask you to. She just is not ready for what is happening, and cutting things off with A is not the only solution. Nothing wrong with putting a hold on your relationship with A, it might be hard but not the end of the world, and if T feels you are putting her needs first, that may go a long way towards her being able to get around to reading and learning about polyamory.
I do wish you well but I think you need to be kinder to yourself, and the women you care about. Feel free to sacrifice if you are asked, but I am pretty sure from experience that you are playing the martyr more than perhaps is necessary, because it is easier than really working at your relationship with your wife. So, that's my two cents as a woman who has had somebody "sacrifice" multiple things that I never wanted him to. Just talk from your heart to those you are saying you love.
Hope I haven't been too harsh, that sacrificing bit is one of my triggers apparently! Perhaps your wife told you they don't want you to talk to A at all, in which case, you can ignore most of what I said
No, not too harsh at all. I appreciate such an honest response. You might be right. I certainly feel very sorry for myself which is not a good state to be in. My inability to deal with emotional conflict, mine and others, is at the heart of this. The fact that I used the word "sacrifice" is significant.
No, T didn't specifically ask me not to talk to A, but I'm not so insensitive that I didn't pick up signals (like weeping under the covers for example). I had hoped that by focussing time, attention, love and reassurance on T she would be able to accept A as my lover.
But I was fooling myself, and fooling A (who wanted to be acknowledged as my SO rather than being hidden away as a secret mistress). We'd talked ourselves into an impasse, T talking of A's betrayal, wanting A "out of our lives", A being pretty undemanding but letting me know she wanted to be acknowledged, open to love me, me trying to keep everyone happy.
What I wanted, to keep the love of the two women I loved, was just not possible. My choice was to leave my wife or dump A. Whichever way, two broken hearts. I clung to the familiar, wife, home, friends, family and A was the loser.
I'll try not to play the martyr but I really did try, we did an awful lot of talking, but we were just going round and round in circles.
Thanks again for the responses