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Old 03-19-2011, 01:12 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I am really worried that hubby’s default is to lie because he is so afraid of rejection. One of the difficult things for me in all of this is that i have never rejected him. He never realyl gave me the chance to accept or reject him.
That's one of the struggles I have with Maca. I'm the poly one and the one who cheated.
But, when I found out about polyamory-I had started researching how the hell to fix my relationship and get my own head straight. I realized I had to come clean with myself first-and then the rest of the world. I've worked my butt off to be honest (sometimes to a fault I fear) since then.
Unfortunately, that isn't always true for Maca and I keep wondering if he is going to have to go through the nightmare I did from decieving myself and him and the whole affair before he understands what it means to be really and truly honest?

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He was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to accept that he was poly that he was never straight with me about what he actually needed and kept it all a secret until it got way out of control and led to a big betrayal. I have no way of knowing for sure what could have happened if he had told me right upfront BEFORE anything happened that he had romantic feelings for A and he wanted to have a romantic/physical relationship with her, what would have happened. I know I wouldn't have been instantly ok with it, but I believe that it would have been better for all involved if the trust had not been so badly broken with the lies and cheatig.
I absolutely agree with that. I wish I had been more aware of myself and not put us through so much hell. I can never delete those memories for any of us.

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Honesty does not come easy to him, this is something I think I have been in denial about for a long time. I have realized that TRUE honesty is something that I need going forward and hopefully through therapy and talking about things at length each step of the way we can achieve that.
I hope that helps! I hope it helps us too. I know for me, reading on this board helped me A LOT with finding truth and honesty in myself. Also-the other thing that really helped was reading about "radical honesty" (there is a book-but I didn't read the book just a lot of articles).

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It should be said that hubby has done a lot right during the roughly 2 months since I found out about the affair. The 2 things I said I needed in the immediate aftermath were: we are going to therapy to work on our own issues as well as those as a couple AND no contact with A. I feel confident that he has followed through on both of these.
I'm glad. It's important, for both of you.

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In some ways I am really coming around to this idea, but in other ways I feel like I can’t trust him enough to do that because of the lies and sneakiness that lead us to this moment.
That's perfectly reasonable. I've been on both sides of that coin. It's hard.

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This forum means the world to me right now.
I for one am glad you're here. keep sharing.
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