For the most part it's been a fairly crappy week in my world. I'm taking things both at work and at home much more personally than I should. My internal dialogue is all out of whack and is telling me stories that aren't true (or at least wildly reinterpreting what I am being told).
I read something my husband had posted today and instantly went into the "I'm the bad guy" mode. I'm pretty sure that wasn't how it was intended but that's how it felt. I know that a lot of it is about stuff that has happened in the past and I like to think that I've grown but maybe I haven't and I am just petty and selfish and want things my way all the time.
My husband and his girlfriend have been together for a year now and I'm still not in the place of being friends with her. I would like to be but I'm not sure that she's all that interested in being friends (at the very least she doesn't extend the invitation to me). I'm not one to pursue a friendship with someone who doesn't seem all that interested but at the same time she's an important part of my husband's life and since he's an important part of my life by default I'm involved (at least on my end emotionally).
At the beginning of this journey I pictured everyone being friends and close. I'd like to have the same kind of friendship with her as I have with Mono and PN. I'm totally comfortable in their presence and everything is just easy. Things aren't so easy with my husband's girlfriend. I feel the vibe that she's a little frightened of me and the result of that is that I'm very uneasy around her. I don't like feeling that way. I keep being told that I shouldn't worry about it and that I don't have to be friends with her. I just wish I was. I'm friends with her primary partner as well and I just don't get why and how I can be friends with everyone around her but forging a friendship with her has been incredibly difficult.
I had a pretty terrible day at work on Wednesday and I haven't totally recovered from it. The littlest thing is setting me off. I'm glad it's the weekend. I might just go home and have a good cry (again, I had a short one yesterday too). My new job can't come soon enough. When work starts impacting how I feel about myself it's time to move on. I don't want to project how I'm feeling at the moment to the outside world, I don't want to be negative. This afternoon I'm going out to look for the positive.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.