Originally Posted by nycindie
I am curious, though. If it was an innocent situation in which they just bumped into each other while out and about, why was there a text message? Who followed up the encounter with a text and who responded? That seems like going against your ground rules, too.
It was A's boyfriend (I will call him B) who my husband had texted that day. He is also our mutual friend. That was what made the situation even more difficult the other night was that when I confronted hubby about why he deleted the text message and he gave me a vague answer, I then felt like I couldn’t trust him or B. I wondered WHAT had they been talking about?! Were they planning something that was against my ground rules or talking about something that had already happened and that was why he had deleted the text message?
I confronted hubby on all of this and told him that I felt like I couldn’t trust either of them after that (can I trust ANYONE, period, anymore?!). This was when hubby came clean about seeing A that day on accident and he said that the text message said that he had seen her to B. he also said that he was going to tell me about it, but I had asked to see the text message before he got the chance and he panicked.
Obviously there are a lot of messed up behaviors in this mess of a night. I am really worried that hubby’s default is to lie because he is so afraid of rejection. One of the difficult things for me in all of this is that i have never rejected him. He never realyl gave me the chance to accept or reject him. He was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to accept that he was poly that he was never straight with me about what he actually needed and kept it all a secret until it got way out of control and led to a big betrayal. I have no way of knowing for sure what could have happened if he had told me right upfront BEFORE anything happened that he had romantic feelings for A and he wanted to have a romantic/physical relationship with her, what would have happened. I know I wouldn't have been instantly ok with it, but I believe that it would have been better for all involved if the trust had not been so badly broken with the lies and cheatig.
I am starting to come to grips with 2 things in this situation. 1.) I can not control him – he will do what he really wants to do, and 2.) I do not trust A or B in so much as that they respect our marriage and although I will be friendly to B, I no longer feel that I can trust him as a friend.
I will never officially “know” what the text message said, I have to go on what hubby said and what my gut tells me. It tells me that the truth did eventually come out and that he was worried that I would not believe him when he said nothing happened and then I would leave him so he lied about it.
I am working on figuring out what I want and need from our marriage and so is he. For now we have both agreed that we want to continue to be married and we love each other. It is also agreed upon that honesty is very important to build up trust between us. Honesty does not come easy to him, this is something I think I have been in denial about for a long time. I have realized that TRUE honesty is something that I need going forward and hopefully through therapy and talking about things at length each step of the way we can achieve that.
It should be said that hubby has done a lot right during the roughly 2 months since I found out about the affair. The 2 things I said I needed in the immediate aftermath were: we are going to therapy to work on our own issues as well as those as a couple AND no contact with A. I feel confident that he has followed through on both of these. He is actually in a therapy session right now by himself while I am at work typing this. I hope it goes well for him.
I know that it appears that I am not giving a lot right now, but my part is for the moment to accept him for who he is, be supportive and loving of who he is and that this is hard for him as well as for me (that part is not difficult at all). Also, to wrap my head around the betrayal that took place and that our future together is likely not going to be just the two of us, but possibly him and I and another person. In some ways I am really coming around to this idea, but in other ways I feel like I can’t trust him enough to do that because of the lies and sneakiness that lead us to this moment.
Anyway, I hope that answered your question, NYCindie. Sorry about the book. Thanks for your support and everyone's who has given me feedback and advice. This forum means the world to me right now.