Originally Posted by PLove
TP and GS I think you're both bringing up what, for me, is probably the biggest issue right now--building back the trust that was lost over months of lying to me....................
....Trust is something that you build up over time with people, and unfortunately my introduction to her was based on a massive betrayal of my trust, so that's a big stumbling point that I haven't really been seeing well.
............... I'm not sure that my feelings really are about jealousy. I think they are more about a feeling that I won't know the truth of what's going on so that I can be an equal participant in the relationship with the three of us.
.............Although my husband and I are a couple because of our history and marriage, they are a couple based on their deceptions. I'm worried that that form of "couple-hood" may supersede my marriage.
Surrounding some of the stuff you wrote (quoted above), I'll just toss out something we've talked about a few times in other places.
I guess you'd call it 'forgiveness'. Or just hitting the RESET button
Because here's the deal and this is NO form of cop-out or cheap justification.
When dealing in stuff like this (exploring/balancing multiple attractions/relationships) very, very few people have any experience or point of reference to do it any other way than they've seen it done for millennia.
You hide it - out of fear. Fear of hurting someone you love. Fear of losing them. Fear of simply not knowing how else to proceed with this !
The guilty party here is really ignorance more than anything. If you can find it in your heart to accept this you'll find that the mistrust etc will go away a lot quicker and the trust you now all desire will be a lot easier to build. Because now you believe you can actually sit down and talk about it ! Not have to hide it. Big difference.
We just (in general) don't have the proper background to navigate polyamory in the best way. We've never seen it in action before and nobody taught us how to do it properly. But hopefully that's changing and resources such as this are making a big contribution to that.
So if this makes any sense to you, maybe you can really hit that reset button and start again - forgetting the past. Everyone now has some lessons behind them. Things can be dramatically different in the future - if you can put the past in it's proper place. In the past.