Thanks for your replies
One part of sat night is actually seeing if I *can* fuck someone else. I have a lot of hang ups around cheating (due to it destroying my parents' marriage) and while I am clear that this is not cheating because he knows about it and we've negotiated it, I still don't know if I can get past my hang ups.
Part of it... I don't know... I think there might be a part of me trying to goad him into being more dominant. Which is probably not entirely a healthy way of going about it. I am not always submissive in sex but atm I really want to explore it, but he's into egalitarian sex. He's trying, for my sake, but I do get off on his jealous arousal. There is a thread on here that made me completely reassess my thoughts on finding a guy into the D/s play, especially as I'm not particularly hardcore! So am I trying to prod him into something more dominant? Hmmm, don't know!
I know he's coming from a place of fear, not ownership. It just hurts him to think I could love someone as passionately as I love him (even if it's different), because we have such a deep and unique connection. I'm playing devil's advocate with him atm, I told him I'd be willing to have a threesome with one of his friends who we both find attractive and from all accounts she wanted him at one point and said I was hot. This is worlds away from me originally saying I would be too jealous to watch him have sex with someone else. And in truth I would be ok with it, as she's a lovely person. He thinks he is hardwired for monogamy so of course I'm playing with fire, but I want to push the boundaries a bit.
So, what else do I want from Sat night? I want to feel sexy again, to someone other than my partner as really we've known each other for ages and he would find me hot even if I was not (and I'm a mama so most of the time I feel not at all sexy!). I want pleasure, even if I don't get sex I would like to feel that thrill of arousal from someone new. I have a crazy libido atm, and my body sings to me of sex most of the time, so I want a sensual experience that granted he can give me too, but I want to try my new libido and well, my new ability to FEEL with someone else to see if the sex is just better all around or only with my man.
Sorry for the ramble!