TP--I did talk with both of them about the trust issue and they definitely understand where I'm coming from. Writing that here helped me articulate that better for myself and for them.
RedPepper--you bring up some good points. In fairness to both my husband and the new partner, I've been the one to some extent has been "pushing" things in the sense that I'm afraid that if I move too slowly for them, they will just do things behind my back anyway, so I'd rather move quickly but have it out in the open where I can see it. I can see that that is not smart for anyone, but particularly for me.
My husband told me tonight that he's OK with slowing things down--in fact he thinks we need to, not only for me, but also because he needs time himself to really explore where this is going without the pressure of the lies and cheating making him think he has to make some kind of important choice.
The issue of them spending time alone came up tonight too. I feel like I need to give them that time and space to see what's going on, although I won't deny that there's a part of me that's worried about giving that space. It feels like a huge risk right now, but I don't know any other way to handle it.
One thing that has been clear to me is that this has trigged in me feelings that I'm not good enough. Many of these feelings are a result of my own psychology and the issues I have to deal with and I'm working on those. Some of the feelings have been caused by the fact that my husband did communicate to me over the years when he's had "crushes" on other women that it was because I wasn't like them--he wanted me to do or be more like them. So it can be hard to change the messages that I hear, even when he's being clear now that this isn't what he's saying or feeling. Seven and a half years vs. 6 months--it's a time thing.
Ultimately in some ways it feels like I'm trying to control a situation that feels out of control to me. So I say I'm ready for them to have some deeper level of involvement because I think that's what they want, because I'd rather know what I'm dealing with rather than worrying that things are happening behind my back.
It's so hard to separate out right now those parts of my feelings that are my own issues that I need to deal with and those parts that are the issues that they created because of how things started. This then makes it hard for me to know where my responsibilities in this begin and end, and where it's "reasonable" for me to expect certain things of them.
Again--I have to be clear that since the truth was revealed, they have been respectful of my feelings and have not been pushing me. I completely acknowledge and appreciate that. But I know they have their own frustrations too, so trying to balance and accommodate things in this tricky new landscape is a challenge.
Thanks so much for the advice and questions--the more I participate here, the more clarity I get about my own feelings and what I can reasonably expect for myself in this situation. I really appreciate how everyone here is focused on doing the right, loving and respectful thing. That makes a huge difference in helping me see polyamory as a viable life alternative for me.