Ritafire, a man like that doesn't show integrity... not to mention other qualities such as respect, honesty, good communication, and consideration... To me these are the foundations of a good relationship, especially a poly one. Other people believe other things, but that is what I base my relationships on. I expect these things and give these things in return. There is a discussion on this on "The Rules/foundations of poly" thread that can be found if you do a tag search for poly... I send people there so much because I think people short change themselves, just as Robfire is saying.
Primitive need and connection is awesome, I get that entirely. I have engaged a man who was married with this kind of energy and can tell you that while the lead up is just as much a draw and has just as much appeal as with a man that is not cheating, the moment the deed of cheating is done physically, for me, there is a sense of dread and fear. This with my own cheating of the past also. Why? Because I realize immediately what I have become a part of and there is no turning back... I really have short changed myself. I could of had great and instead settled for not just okay, but dreadful.
Men who cheat are deceiving themselves I think. They get so used to it sometimes that they don't realize that they are deceiving themselves and create whole fantastical scenarios in their head that what they have done is in some way okay... ya, they will lie to you I think because they are lying to themselves. They might even get angry because they think you should be okay with it too. But the moment the purity of that primitive need for connection is gone is the moment that the lie spirals into something dark and foreboding. Something dangerously dreadful somehow. Hard to explain.
Don't bother. Robfire is not trying to give you a veto I don't think. At least it didn't sound like it from where I sit, but he is expressing what this will do to not only you, but him. I think he will lose respect for you if you were to engage a married man. Not only would this man's integrity be tarnished, but so would yours. Your good name would be tarnished. You would not be seen as respectful towards others, considerate or honest... is all that worth it for that primal need you have?
Surely there are other men out there that are worth your time. You are a valued woman by your partner and should be by other men also. Your sense of self worth is worth more than anything. A cheating man would take that all away from you I think... having experienced this before... and having processed the hell out of the experience.
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