I'm not quite sure why the phone call bothered me last night. Maybe I should have just said that. "I'm upset that you talked to her for so long but I don't know why so just let me go to sleep and we'll talk about it tomorrow." That wouldn't have been so hard, would it? But for whatever reason I was so sure that saying I was upset that he talked to her wouldn't be okay that instead I said I was frustrated that she doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with me and I was scared that once I moved out we wouldn't see each other anymore. That went over at least as well as the real sentiment would have, wasn't quite what I wanted to say and still ended in a little tiff.
It upset me that when C got home from spending the afternoon with Misty he said she looked perturbed when someone came up to him and started asking how I was doing. There's a group of people that meet regularly and know I'm his partner. They meet while I'm at work but I've seen them a few times for weekend events. Misty is part of the group but they don't know she's with C now. When I asked C about this he said he didn't know how Misty would feel about everyone knowing they were together. I guess it didn't occur to him to see how I might feel about that and that upset me.
After a lot of reflection I can understand that Misty wants legitimacy and to not feel like a secret that has to be hidden away. I totally get that; I felt the same way when I first started my relationship with C. She should be able to have that if she decides she's comfortable having people know she's dating a guy who has a partner (for now). But that doesn't change my feelings of shame over people knowing and it doesn't make me feel any better about my opinion on the matter not even being considered. When C said he didn't know how Misty would feel about that I thought, what about how I feel? Don't I count?
But I didn't say anything. It just didn't seem important enough at the time. It was still bothering me though when she texted C just as I was going to bed. He told me he was going to go into the next room and call her, he held me a minute and kissed me and then spent two hours on the phone with her while I laid awake unable to sleep. Why does it bother me so much? Is it because despite the affection he gave me before he talked to her I resent that they can spend the afternoon together and still have things to talk about but when C comes from work I get the executive summary of his day before he dives into the computer? Is it that I'm envious of the time and excitement between them? Maybe I'm just scared of not getting anything but leftovers from C because I know he loves her more. No really, he does. I asked him, expecting the standard "different but equal" answer but he actually told me he loves her more. Or could it be that I just feel left out? I had expressed a desire to be present as their relationship developed because without that it just doesn't seem real to me and it's jarring when I'm suddenly confronted with the fact that he has someone else and I have no idea what really goes on between them.
Very recently when C and I were talking about getting back together after a big fight and a brief break-up, I said I was coming to recognize the difference between attachment and love and I was coming to love him from a place that just wants his happiness and fulfillment even when that doesn't come from me or have anything to do with me. It was a new and fragile realization and it was damaged by his response of pushing me away and saying some very hurtful things that he later said weren't entirely true. He does that. When he's lashing out he manipulates the truth and frames it in a way that isn't accurate. But if I felt that selfless love before, where is it now? If he says he's happy in his relationship with Misty shouldn't I just be happy for him? I had said that I accepted that he had intimacies with other people that I wasn't involved with in any way and I meant it when I said it. Now it just bothers me again. Maybe it was only the break-up talking.