TP and GS I think you're both bringing up what, for me, is probably the biggest issue right now--building back the trust that was lost over months of lying to me. Because we've moved so quickly into pursuing this idea of a triad, the trust issues are muddying the waters of trying to build a new and challenging dynamic (polyamory) with two people who were willing to keep secrets from me to pursue their own relationship. I'm hoping, of course, that the lies and secrets were a result of feeling that they couldn't be open with me about this. But I also am beginning to worry that if I don't have the "right" feelings--if I'm not as accommodating and supportive as possible--that they will begin to lie to me again because they don't want to have to deal with my pain and just want the joy of their new relationship.
To this point, I've primarily held my husband responsible for the betrayal, because at the time I wasn't in a relationship with his girlfriend, but now that she is part of our dynamic, I'm realizing that I also have some trust issues with her. She knew about me and was willing to keep seeing him in secret. Even though they were minimally physical with each other, they had enough contact and connection to fall in love behind my back. So there is a part of me that worries that her openness to polyamory at this point is really just a way to keep him in her life. I'm not saying that my feelings are an accurate reflection of what's going on. These are just my concerns.
Compounding the problem is the fact that I don't really know her that well. I like her and obviously feel some kind of connection to her, but she did date my husband for months behind my back, so there is a part of me that feels betrayed by her too. Trust is something that you build up over time with people, and unfortunately my introduction to her was based on a massive betrayal of my trust, so that's a big stumbling point that I haven't really been seeing well.
TP, I think you're right that I need to just let myself have my feelings and recognize that I will have good and bad days around all of this. Although there is some jealousy in this, my bigger issue right now is trust--trusting that they both do want a triad relationship and that they aren't just saying this as an excuse to continue seeing each other without the hassle of secrets; trusting that they aren't seeing each other behind my back; trusting that they are both telling me the truth about their feelings and actions. If I had the trust, then I think that a lot of the jealousy issues would probably go away. I'm not sure that my feelings really are about jealousy. I think they are more about a feeling that I won't know the truth of what's going on so that I can be an equal participant in the relationship with the three of us.
Although my husband and I are a couple because of our history and marriage, they are a couple based on their deceptions. I'm worried that that form of "couple-hood" may supersede my marriage.
I think it can be hard enough to build up trust after there's been an affair in a monogamous relationship, but at least you don't have the other person around and aren't trying to build a relationship with them, too. At this point, I'm basically trying to build a relationship with two people who cheated on me (in a sense), so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I'm having these issues with trust. And I think I also need to be clearer with myself and with them about the extent to which my discomfort with our changing relationship is about trust as opposed to jealousy. Because they are two different issues with two different strategies for dealing with them.