The lying is what really hurts me
SoÖI figured I would give a bit of an update on what has been going on. It has been going on 2 months since I found out my husband was cheating on me. The first 2 weeks were excruciating. I had a lot of anxiety because I felt like my world had been turned upside down and that I couldnít trust anyone.
I am feeling much stronger and calmer now. My husband and I have been going to counseling individually. Eventually we are going to go together, but right now we are working on our own individual issues. I have told him that I just cannot have A. in our life and be happy. I told him that I am sorry and I feel for his pain in not having her in his life anymore, but that this is the way it has to be for now. He agreed to this and has been very good about no contact. We continue to be friends with Aís boyfriend (who is currently still with her) and have spent time with him on a few different weekends talking and hanging out.
It hurts me to see my husband hurting because he cannot see the other woman he loves, but I cannot and will not lie to myself again and tell myself that I will be ok if she is in our lives. At this time I will not be ok. I will be panicky and scared every minute. I have told hubby that I am sorry for putting him through this and that he is a beautiful person in my eyes, inside and out.
Right now I worry about his deceiving me before with the cheating and that it will happen again. Just last night I asked him if I could look at his text messages (this was how I found out about the affair to begin with) in front of him because it would make me feel more secure and he deleted a message before he would let me see. This all ended up resulting in me finding out that he had seen A earlier that day by accident when he was at his job and in the same area of town that she works in as well. I was very hurt and mad that he hadnít just told me that to begin with because pretty much this exact scenario we had talked about maybe happening and I had said that as long as he was honest with me it would be ok. He delete the text message, lied to me about it, and then when I confronted him because I could tell he was lying, he finally told me the truth.
We have talked and still talk A LOT about all of this, our feelings, how we are hurting, what we need, what we want, everything. I am very reassuring to him. I donít understand why his default seems to be to lie to me.
Anyway, I guess the update in a nutshell is that things are better, but moving very slowly. We have agreed to re-evaluate every month as to the situation and how we are both doing and what our needs are. He says that my needing him to not have contact with her is hard, but understandable and he can do that, yet he lied last night about something that need not have been a big deal at all (it was an accident that he saw her, that is totally understandable). How are we ever going to move forward if the lies continue?
Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope. - Maya Angelou