Trying to figure out what I want.
And not really sure if I want to face what comes up.
So a little about me... I've been monogamous all my life. My family history is such that monogamy was held up as the sacred chalice, so I never even questioned it.
About 2.5 years into my longest monogamous relationship I kissed a guy I had serious chemistry with. I didn't have sex with him though I really wanted to. My relationship survived (I confessed) and I beat myself up over it for a long time. We went on to have children, then last year we separated after almost 12 years. It wasn't a great relationship, there was no passion, we were like housemates at the end.
I got together with a friend I've had for many years. He had intense feelings for me but I wasn't ready at that time. This time around it works wonderfully. The sex is amazing, the mind-spirit connection is fantastic. I love him so much and he loves me and it's very passionate.
And for some reason I can't stop thinking about wanting some freedom. I knew I jumped into a relationship with him too soon, because I was worried I'd lose my second chance with him (as he was pursuing an overseas relationship that was going to lead to him being over there for 3 months). I tend to fall into relationships before I'm ready for them, serial monogamy! At first that was fine, but I kept thinking I wanted some freedom to play the field after so long with one person. But I realised that was risky... as I don't want to lose what I have with my current partner.
We negotiated some boundaries, whereby I could have a little freedom to flirt and go slightly beyond that but not too much. I didn't act on it (mainly because I've had little opportunity as I have two young children and spend most of my spare time with my partner). Just talking about it seemed to be enough and triggered some awesome fantasies we shared. I have to probably say I'm a bit kinky and he's lovely enough to indulge me, and he quite enjoys thinking about me with other men but he's not sure about how he'd feel in reality.
All the fantasies though have made me think more about it. At first I didn't even entertain the thought of sex with other people as I couldn't see how it would be any good, but now I'm thinking about that. We're discussing that specifically and he is not keen on the idea of me developing a relationship with anyone else. He's worried this will destroy our relationship, and it would be tricky as I don't have much time to share around. My problem I guess is now I'm reading about polyamory and I know I'm more than capable of loving two people at once. I have in the past, I just didn't have relationships with both of them. Monogamy has been the default and I entered this relationship as a monogamous person. He thinks he wouldn't want to be polyamorous.
I don't want to hurt him or ruin what we have. I love him so much. But at the same time, am I going to spend the rest of my life feeling wistful, like I'm missing out on something? I don't want to pressure him into letting me have something he doesn't want. I don't know if sex is really what I want, as he fulfills me. But there are certain interests I have that he doesn't share that I would love to share with a romantic partner. I don't want to leave him thinking I might find the "perfect" man. As far as I'm concerned he is perfect for me. I just would love to explore the idea of adding someone else into the mix.
And the thought seriously scares me and confronts me and I am wanting to back away and not mention it again... but then I know I'll be regretful I didn't take the risk.