Wow....you folks ask tough questions. I'm glad you do though as it makes me go and look at myself and what I believe in a completely different way and at a much greater depth then I would have otherwise. So thank you.
After considering much of what has been offered up here I've come to the following painful conclusions.
1) I'm afraid of my wife falling for another man and leaving me.
2) I have trust issues when she assures me otherwise.
3) I'm trying to control that which is beyond my purview.
Ok let's start with Number 1.
This has more to do with my own self image issues that I've described earlier. But it also has a basis in what I know about my wife, she wouldn't have a sexual ongoing relationship with someone whom she doesn't care for/love. Not her way. Yes she loves me but even knowing this, the fear remains.
2) My past haunts me still it seems.
3) Letting go and trusting in the process is both my answer and my dilemma.I get it as the doorway to acceptance, but have no idea how to get there.
You folks have been like a room full of yoddas, only taller and with more hair...I hope. I decided that when I started posting here I'd do what you suggested as I didn't seem to be at all friendly with the truth and what was actually happening in my own marriage, and it hasn't been easy. Dealing with so many emotions and off base beliefs in such a short period of time has been painful, very painful. But it has also been a mechanism to reawaken both my marriage and my life. it's just a start right now, but I've felt more alive in the last 4-5 days then I have in years. I am both grateful to you for your help and saddened it took so long for me to start growing up. It's somewhat embarrassing to be so wrong about my initial perceptions ( see first post) but spiritually uplifting to know I may make it through this a much better human being for doing so.
NYcindie thanks for the encouragement!
Beodude123 Talking truthfully and openly has indeed made a huge difference. I'm still feeling somewhat out of my depth discussing it, but it beats living a lie, ya know?
Redpepper, Quote: It's amazing what poly brings up. I have found that it definitely means that processing my stuff happens faster and is far more a priority than at times I have been in mono relationships. Everything I do and say affects people in my tribe, so therefore I must make sure I am on top of my stuff all the time. There is no hiding it and no getting away from facing up to situations and who I am. It has made me very real, very vulnerable, and trusting, yet the love I have experienced and been privileged to give; immense. End quote
Getting to the core of my concerns and to the truth of what is actually happening here are taking place much faster then I expected. Being real and vulnerable aren't my strong suits...but I'm trying. I hope to experience what you have one day. My wife and I have a strong soul bond, but I had come to doubt myself and it, a doubt based on nothing more then baseless fear and childish mistrust.
I'm going back to my M.A classes next week and am looking at courses at our local University to exercise my brain. I need to take it (my brain) out for a walk, a talk and perhaps a bath. it's been laying around in the dark eating bad thoughts and deep fried fear for far to long.
As for meeting the other guy? That's happening this Wednesday. wish me well. Any advice on the meeting will be appreciated. I promised my wife I'd not talk about guns, martial arts or club affiliations so I may need some help in the conversation planning I think.
Ray:No kidding! The system I'm currently working with is called Kuk sool. deceptively simple but awesomely practical. great for a guy with back issues.
Grounded spirit: Thanks for the book reference. ordered it tonight.
ImaginaryIllusion: You ask some tough Questions ya know? I have had to re examine just about everything i thought I knew about me, my wife and our relationship and do so with ruthless abandon. Painful? oh yes indeed, also Insightful and quietly inspirational.
By the way I have no idea what this means: but if you're worried about you the classic wife 'opposite day' thing I'm slow.... use small words.
And thanks for the insight and encouragement.
Carma: Thanks for the welcome and the shared experience. lot of info for me to process.
And Vodkafan I'm still working my way through your journey here. I'm sorta curious what i may be posting 8 months from now.
Goodnight folks, you make my head hurt... but in a good way. I think.