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Old 03-14-2011, 04:19 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

I have noticed that when someone moves across country to be with a poly partner, mono or not, there seems to be issues very shortly afterwards. I have read lots of stories of this and don't know of many relationships that survive it...

What seems to be the common denomonator is that often it is thought to be a good idea to move in to a partners place right away. It's kind of a set up. Poly relationships are not like mono ones. Moving across country to live with someone and have a mono relationship with them is different. There is far more co-dependence going on when you move to a place where you have no job, no friends and often no money. Usually the partner is it for everything. That can be very wearing and cause issues of clinginess, lack of space, an imbalance of financial input, and no privacy for both parties.

What I would of suggested for your situation, before you moved, and what I have noticed works is to move to the same area, even next door and set up ones own life; get a job, find some friends, make some money, establish ones own life and then look at moving in together. I think this is a better idea for any relationship, but especially a poly one. That way a person has their own thing going on, can feel comfortable and happy doing what makes them tick and have a partner to orgainze dates with. Life adjusts to being closer and seeing if this is a situation where living together would be beneficial.

Partners coming into a poly network/tribe/constilation, whatever you want to call it, mean change and expansion. That makes for adjustment for everyone... in the situation you were in when you moved there he had to adjust, his other girlfriend had to adjust, you had to adjust, anyone and everyone adjusts. That is fine, but a strain. It might of gone over more smoothly if you had had a bit more seprateness and independence from him and moved to more closeness and a merger of households slowly.

You can still accomplish all that. It's a change in looking at it really. You are mono and to you, I think, need him to be your everything in terms of closeness, companionship, vulnerablity. It's possible that he is not going to be available enough for you in terms of those things and you have to adjust to that fact. You could create some friendships that offer some of the things he is not going to be around for. Really, in my opinion, everyone in any relationship dynamic should make sure they have friends or family that they can reach out to and be with along with their partner or partners.

If you find that he just doesn't have enough to give you and you are just not satisfied, then I suggest moving on. It sounds like he could be a good match for you in all ways except how he does relationships. This isn't anyones fault, but if you are not going to be happy with this and have tried occupying your time with other things and still come up with your need for him to be around and paying attention to you more than he is able and willing to offer, then move on to someone else who can satisfy your needs.

As to the other women he sees. It might be best to create some firm boundaries about how his time is spent... I would suggest getting a calender, write the times of your dates with him on it. Write the dates of other women on it... and make sure he writes in times where he is going to spend time by himself. It's so important to make sure you have time to yourself when you are dating a lot of people (learnt experience). Then stick to it as best you can, adjusting as you go if something comes up.

When he is out with his other women, that is their time. It's important to respect that. They need to as well... if it causes guilt/frustration/*insert feelings* for you that they are whining to him via text because they want to see him, then ask for no texting while you are on a date with him. Don't text him while he is on a date with her either, set an example by respecting her so that she will respect you. Keep negotiating your boundaries and ask what theirs are too until you come to an agreement that you all feel respected and that its as fair as possible.

I think it's a great idea that you are moving out. As I said before, I don't think it was a good idea to move in in the first place, but it is fixable I think. Having your own place will mean that you can get about the task of setting up your own life and when you see him it may feel more productive and consentrated fun/passion/attention than now while you live with him wishing he would give you the time of day when he is at home... he might find that he gets the time he needs to have a relationship with himself. Do somethings on his own and work on things that are important to him... even if its just navel gazing.
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