Glad things between you and the wife are a bit better since you decided to open up. It's amazing what poly brings up. I have found that it definitely means that processing my stuff happens faster and is far more a priority than at times I have been in mono relationships. Everything I do and say affects people in my tribe, so therefore I must make sure I am on top of my stuff all the time. There is no hiding it and no getting away from facing up to situations and who I am. It has made me very real, very vulnerable, and trusting, yet the love I have experienced and been priveleged to give; emmense.
I suggest that you and your wife and this man she is dating get settled a bit more before finding a girlfriend. If this man was an adjustment, another person coming along would mean more adjustment... there is no rush and if a girlfriend is to come into your life, it will happen when it happens when you are ready. Sometimes people push the envelope and work hard on finding another and don't work on themselves and the relationship they have with themselves first. Being your own primary is very important and to me is top priority.
It sounds like you have some things to do when your wife is out. That is awesome and is great for self care. My husband started a self help kick when I met Mono. He decided to use that time to better himself and work on some of the life long issues he has had around fear and anxiety... he now has a website (http://www.therealizedself.com/
) that he has a years worth of material to put on and is starting to think about writing a book. He never had time to write when it was mostly he and I and now he has that time and looks forward to it. He has grown and changed into a strong man who is proud of what he has created within himself. He is alive now like never before. I'm so pleased for him.
As to the closeness between your wife and this man... I would suggest getting to know him. He is your ally, not your enemy I think. If he is like most secondaries he has huge respect for you and honour. Why not let him show that by showing him you are big enough to accept he loves her. He will be very grateful and respectful in return I think... at least in my experience.
Why not invite him to come together with you, to love the woman your wife is. She will feel honoured and loved in a way that is very special I should think. It's such a gift to give someone that much love. You will have this returned to you by giving and by creating a bond with your metamour that is vital to the health of your vee... and could be a huge benefit to your life. She will find she is compelled to love you more if you are communicating and giving her love by acceptance of who she loves... this is what happens more often than not it seems