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Old 09-17-2009, 12:04 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nyx View Post
About two weeks ago, my poor bf (gah - I hate that - I have to name him, so I will call him, fictitiously of course, Nick). Anyway Nick was on a fire (meaning he was fighting wildland fires) and while he was gone I just suddenly fell back into my old pattern of thought. I felt jealous and angry, I felt like he just didn't want to spend any time with me and that he was constantly filling up his life with other things. (he's involved with theater, etc)

And so we ended up chatting online while he was gone and I ended up breaking it off with him because he told me that he was planning on spending more time pursuing these two other women when he got back from fire. It went amicably at the time, I just sort of bowed out mainly because this seemed like another thing that was taking what fraction of time he had left for me away! (with me so far?)

I think people who are opening up relationships spend a lot of time trying to quash down any negative feelings they may be having towards it for fear of not being open enough for their partner's sake. Also, many people tend to immediately read any negative feelings that come up as jealousy...and for many poly people, that's a dirty word. So we spend a lot of time either just saying we shouldn't feel jealous or pushing it all down.

Well, listen to those feelings. While they may not be indicating the whole truth of the situation, they are giving you some piece of truth. What I just quoted from your OP seems to indicate to me that you're feeling that he hardly has enough time to spend with you as it is. So if you're feeling that he doesn't have the time to even meet your needs in a relationship, it's understandable that you would be upset about him pursuing other relationships when he doesn't seem to have the time to care for yours.

That's a legitimate concern. It sounds like that negative feeling didn't have a voice...so it sort of blew up into an all-encompassing freakout.

So maybe break it down. It's great that he loves you, but if all that love isn't meeting your needs in the relationship, it's completely ok to say that. I don't think it's about him seeing other people. It seems more to be about him having the time to care for you.

So you have a right to voice your needs in the relationship. And in this case, it might take some real examining of what your needs are here. Not the things you think you should be needing in order to be a great poly girlfriend, but your actual needs. Then it just takes understanding what needs are being met and what needs aren't. Once you've figured that out, communicate those needs. Show appreciation for the needs being met and bring up the concerns of the needs not being met. Then just add love and see what happens.

Good luck.
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