I love them both.... new and need help
Hi all, please excuse me ahead of time if this post becomes long winded. Much thanks for any and all advice.
My situation is complicated. I have been with my fiance for over 6 years now, and we have a 4 year old daughter. We have had a rocky relationship which stemmed from his battle with addiction. He has been sober for 2 years now, but it has left me scarred. I love him dearly and he is a wonderful partner and father. I have mentioned from time to time my interest in having more than one partner and that convo has never gone more than a couple of sentences. He seems to shrivel up when the words leave my mouth. So I gave that up a long time ago and have tried my best to fit into monogamy.
Here is where things get really complicated. When I was 13 I met this boy at a church event. He lived out of state and I only saw him once. I asked his sister for his number and she gave me his address. I mailed him a letter and after he received it we talked on the phone daily. We became best friends and I loved him dearly. The I moved to the opposite side of the country. 3 years later after talking daily for hours, he emails me and confesses that he is in love with me. After the rough childhood I had, he was the only person in the world I had and though I was in love with him as well, I was too scared of loosing him to go any further than friendship. I lied and told him I did not love him in that way. He was family to me. He said that he would always be my friend and that I would never loose him.... I spoke with him once after that. Several dramatic things transpired in both of our lives and we lost all possible contact. For years I have tried to seek him out. On the web, white pages, ect with no luck. I have never stopped loving him, but I only sought his friendship. Last year I made contact with him. He was married and had a daughter with the same name as mine. He told me that he vaguely remembered me. When he spoke those words it crushed me. I held him to such a high esteem and he didn't even know who I was. He told me to email pics of my daughter so we could swap pictures. I never did. Fast forward to a year later. He finds me on face book. We messaged on there for a while and then I had to make my confession about his email almost 10 years ago. One thing has lead to another and it has all happened so fast. He left his wife, she stole his daughter and he is in the process of getting a divorce and fighting for custody. I pleaded with him not to divorce her for me and he promised he wasn't. That he hasn't been happy with her for years (apparently she has some psychological issues) and it was time. A few weekends ago. We met up. Initially I was going to stay the night. My time with him was amazing. It was pure bliss to see him for just the second time in my life and then when it was time to go back to his place I froze. I couldn't go through with it. It felt dirty. I do not want him as an affair or a lover. I love him and I did not want to tarnish that love. And another side of me... I could not betray my fiance. I told my friend that I couldn't and that I had to go. After that I went into a spiral of who, whats, and whys. What is wrong with me. I have a great fiance, what is wrong with me my friend is the love of my life, who do I love more, why can i not choose between the two.
I have been a mess. My fiance and i have been sleeping separately since before I went to meet my friend. I feel like if I do anything with either of them i am betraying the other. I have finally come to the conclusion. I love them both for different reasons. They bring 2 different aspects of life to me. I cannot imagine life without either of them. I will never be able to choose between them because.... I need them both.
I confessed to my best friend today. He says I am wrong that He knows how much I love him... We talk some more and he says if I love my fiance half as much as I love him then to choose him. For me and my daughter he will step aside and make the choice for me.... We talk more and he asks me to tell him what it is that I want. I told him I dare not even ask and he asked again. I told him... I want you both I love you both. He asked how that would work. Tell him exactly what I want if I could have it. I said, I want you two to know each other. I don't want any secrets or betrayal because my love for both is too pure to ever be tarnished in that way. I said I would live here, he can still live there and I would come to him every other weekend and talk as much as possible. He said he was too greedy to share me and that he could not. We are meeting Saturday morning one last time. Right before we hung up... he tells me He wishes he had it in him to try poly. The sound in his voice... I know he might be considering it.
My question is, if after alot of thought my friend decides that he might be able to try this... How do I bring this up to my fiance. He is desperate to get back in our bed. Desperate to have me back. I do not want to use his desperation against him and get him to agree to something that he cannot handle. I don't want to force either one of them. But I know that... if I cannot have both I must leave both because my heart will break for the one I don't choose and how can I seek comfort in one for the hurt I feel of loosing the other. I feel like it would be fairer for both of them to release them both to find a girl who only has enough room in her heart for one man. Any and all advice and or observations is much needed. Speak truthfully please. Am I delusional? Am I being totally selfish here? Or is this a possibility?