Beo's Log, Stardate....Today.
Since Jen has her own thing on here, I think I'll make my own, that way I can post updates without bogging hers down.
Anyways, I guess I'll start from the beginning, and kind of jump to now. I'm 28 years old, married to Jen for almost 7 years, and we have two kids. Girl and boy, 3 and 18 months respectively.
I had a friend at work that I became very close with quickly, and he came over a few times. He came over again in January, and we were all being flirty (drinking too). When we were going to bed, Jen asked if she could kiss him. Not really knowing what she meant, I said "sure". They pretty much proceeded to make out. I eventually said "okay okay", and we went to bed.
A couple days later, Jen and I were texting, and she said she found something called polyamory. She told me what it was about etc... I kind of had a hard time understanding it (still do haha), but she seemed pretty into it. So I said we could give it a try.
Jen isn't exactly the most patient person, and I hadn't really read much on here, so we pretty much bear blasted on into it. Kissing, playing around (no intercourse), the works. I kind of felt a little overwhelmed, but Jen kept reassuring me that everything was fine, and that she loves me. So we kept going.
The next time James came over, we had another threesome, and after I was done, I went out into the living room. I wasn't really doing anything, just kind of waiting for them to be done. Jen came in the room, and asked if they could do it. I said no, and she went back in the room. That kind of sent me off into a weird place. I stared at a vent pretty much the whole time, trying to figure out everything. The vent seemed good, because it had many sides, just like the situation.
We talked for a good while after, and I was feeling a bit more positive again. Jen and I kept talking, and we had very good communication about everything. I was still having trouble with a lot of things, but it seemed like I was working through them pretty well. Jealousy hadn't really reared it's ugly head, and Jen and I were closer than ever before.
A couple weeks later, she asked about the no intercourse boundary again. I told her I still wasn't really all that comfortable with it, and we talked about it for a while. I told her I was scared that it would diminish what we have. She said it wouldn't, and that the only way to get rid of the fear was to have it happen. I reluctantly said yes, since I knew it was going to keep coming up.
This whole time, I had kind of been back and forth between wanting poly to work for us, and not wanting it. I was feeling different myself. Kind of detached a bit, but not really all that bad. I was a bit more irritable as well. I had been drinking quite a bit, so that could have something to do with that... But more on that later.
Anyways, the day that James was going to come over, they ended up not doing it. It was a relief for me, but it was still on the table. I started feeling more detached, more tired, more irritable... Drinking more. We kept talking, but it wasn't quite on the level that it was before, or at least not as much. More back and forth on my part, which was tearing me up, because I'm usually a pretty solid person. When I make up my mind, it pretty much stays made up.
Fast forward to these last couple weeks. I had a long week at work, without much sleep, and on Friday J was coming over. Before he came, I told her I couldn't do it, that it was tearing me up. Bad timing, I know, but I couldn't help the way I felt. Jen said that we should just get through the night, and talk in the morning. We eventually decided that a month seemed fair to see if it would work. I told her I would try my best to remain positive, and off we went.
Jealousy started coming up at this point. J was coming over for dinner (which in itself didn't bother me, since I work swings), but the nice meals kind of made me -_-.... Not that she doesn't make me nice meals, but you know how it goes. You only really make note of it when it's for somebody else. More back and forths, more drinking, more tired.
James came over again on a Friday, but I was pretty tired (and feeling cranky), so I went to bed pretty early. I woke back up early, and couldn't go back to bed. I was feeling more disconnected with everything, and even kind of starting to feel uncomfortable at home. It kind of felt like Jen was a different person... Maybe it was me? We made love one time, and she said it didn't feel like I was there, like it was a different person. She said I had been aggressive, which wasn't like me. That hurt me a lot, since it got called off in the middle... A few days later, pretty much the same thing happened.
At this point I was feeling pretty crappy, since I felt emotionally disconnected, and now there was a physical disconnect. I didn't know what to do with myself at home. Usually I play games to relax, but I hadn't really been in the mood to play for a while. So when I needed to do something with my hands, I cleaned. It gave me something to do, at least, and kept my mind off things. At this point, I was pretty depressed about everything. I felt like I was losing Jen, and I was feeling a lot of anxiety about it.
So Thursday rolls around, and J came over for dinner. He didn't have to come in on the next shift, so he was at home when I got off. It was a pretty stressful day at work, and I was jamming pretty hard for about 7 hours straight. I came home exhausted, and jealousy was waiting for me. The nice dinner again, but food was left out. A couple of other things stressed me out even more. Jen was in the other room with J, and she wanted me to snuggle. I wanted to go to bed more than anything else, but I had obliged. I snuggled for about 1 minute and a half, on the dot. I wasn't feeling very comfortable, so I removed myself from the situation. I went out into the kitchen and cleaned up some things. My hands needed something to do... So I tried to keep them busy. After that, I climbed in bed, but I couldn't sleep. I sent Jen a couple of texts (she was still in the room with J) asking if she could come in the room. Her phone was wedged in something, and she didn't hear it. When I didn't get a response, I was pretty upset. I told her nevermind... Still nothing.
At that point, I was kind of freaking out. I couldn't stop moving my hands. So I went back out into the kitchen to do some more cleaning. I don't think it was very productive though. I hung up some keys, and wiped up a bit. Then I went back into bed. I couldn't sit still, so I asked Jen if she could come in. I spent about 10 minutes having a panic attack or something... Couldn't stop moving my hands.
After I calmed down, Jen said she couldn't do this to me, and told J it wasn't going to work. We both cried a lot, and went to bed. I was sort of happy that a very specific focus for my negativity was gone, but I was so tired I didn't have much time to reflect on it. The next day I get the kids in the morning, and I'm pretty much crying the whole morning. I felt like a terrible person. Jen had to give up something that made her happy for me. Since I can't be happy if Jen isn't happy.... I was trying to think of compromises. The panic attack really scared me, since I'm not the type of person that freaks out about things. I started to think about what I've been doing with my life.
After Jen got up, we talked a lot about everything. I could tell she was pretty sad about having to give it up. She said we would take a big step back. I told her I wanted to clear my head, and quit drinking, because I knew I had been drinking a lot. She was pretty upset that I didn't do that before, but I hadn't really thought about it, you know? The panic thing made me think a lot about everything. I really started realizing what I had been doing to myself, to J, and to Jen. Made me feel pretty terrible.
We talked a lot more, and decided that Jen needed to experience poly (especially sine it hadn't even been a month yet). Marriage is about compromises after all.
We haven't talked about what exactly is going to be on the plate for J and Jen, but this time it's going to be at my pace. I think jumping head first into everything was just too much for me to take. I always told Jen I wanted to make it work for us, because I could tell how happy it made her. So now we have to figure out what everybody is comfortable with...
Sorry for the book, but I figured I'd cover all the bases, and give an update on everything.