How to help other's overcome insecurity?
As mentioned before, the relationship between me and my wife, Lissy, and our friend, Miranda, seems to be going poly. The more we all talk to each other, the more and more I realize how much alike Lissy and Miranda are. But when talking in private to each, they share how scared they are of messing things up, since poly is new to all of us.
I can understand Miranda's perspective. She has never fallen for any one person like this, let alone two. And being the third isn't easy. But she doesn't have anything to worry about, she is a nice and wonderful person. Like Lissy, she gets insecure, but for the lack of a better word, she is more mature, being 13 years older. I tell her that Lissy and I love her too much for us to ever be mad at her, and that makes her feel better, but I can still tell she is insecure.
My wife Lissy is also insecure, but her fears are more founded in reality. She has a short temper, and when she is angry she doesn't care who she lashes out at. She's destroyed at least five friendships because of things she's either said or did when she's been mad. Combine that with that she can have a hairline trigger.
The other night all three of us were IM-ing each other. She wasn't talking much because she was to busy playing some game on Facebook. She has always had the problem with playing video or online games when she has time with other people. When we were dating she'd want to come over, but since she hadn't played video games yet that day, that is all she'd want to do, and I'd sit there six hours straight watching her play video games. Another time her cat was begging for her attention, but she completely ignored the cat because she was too busy walking her online dog. I had to tell four times before she paid any attention to the cat.
I said, "You need to spend time with people when you have it, and not waste it playing games when you have time with them. The games can wait till later." At that, she pullled out of the IM, and told me she hated both me and Miranda, that she doesn't love me, and we should go fuck off, etc., etc. Fortunately Miranda couldn't hear any of this, but she was worried she said something wrong because Lissy unexpectedly pulled out of the IM. I eventually got Lissy calmed down. But if we were all talking in person and this happened, it could have gone much worse.
I know why Lissy freaked out. You can say "You have to..." or "I'd like you to...." or "It'd be nice if...", but if you say "I need you to..." then she hears her mom talking and not anyone else, and she goes ballistic. The problem is its so easy to say that without realizing it.
Lissy is worried she'll mess things up, as she was attacking Miranda, and Miranda didn't do the slighest thing wrong, not even in Lissy's eyes.
Any suggestions on what to do?
Last edited by DarkHorseJ27; 09-16-2009 at 06:32 PM.