Why can't she just admit she is jealous?
I am relatively new to all of this, but not long ago I fell unexpectedly into a relationship with a married man (he did at the time and still does have an open relationship with his wife). This all happened over a matter of a very few months. Things seemed to be going well in the beginning, though lack of time and, due to our family situations, the lack of anywhere to meet privately was and remains a strain. We had several overnights at hotels, in the beginning, about every other week (4 times) for the first couple months, then that stopped, but I put it off on holiday stress and confusion. We attended a weekend event in Feburary, but other than that have not been able to have a full night together since November.
I knew there were issues with his wife concerning overnights and he was told that she was uncomfortable because she didn't know me as well as she would like. She and I talked and that was clearly not the case, she just had issues with overnights....and I got the impression she had issues with the whole relationship. So we all met and talked and her response to the why no overnights question is, "I don't do overnights so he shouldn't either." There was further discussion that kept coming to the same dead end, but it was very apparent to both me and my partner that this excuse was merely a way for her to shield herself from dealing with whatever her true feelings are. They have had a good bit of discussion about her feelings and he knows she is not being very open about a lot of this. I understand that this happened quickly and she never expected it to get as serious as it did, especially not so fast, and she has problems with it, but how can we address the problems if she will not even try to get a handle on exactly what she is feeling. I don't think I should have to deal with erroneous limits without some kind of rational explanation, or at least the assurance that she will acknowledge and work to identify her feelings and try to deal with them.
Their relationship has a very long, strong history and it was never my intention, nor his, for me to come between them. I am realistically, in no way, a threat to her or their relationship, but I think she feels, on some level, that I am. I have been told she is extremely stubborn as well which makes discussions difficult. Is there anything more he or I can do or say to get her to acknowledge that there is a problem and to realize she has to at least try to work this out? How can we make her understand that just because she ignores it or makes rules to try to avoid the feelings, they are not going to go away, but rather cause more resentment and problems for everyone?
I must also add that she is comfortable with the things we do when alone and we do not overstep any boundaries in that regard. In fact she is fine with us getting a hotel room and staying as late as 3am, but not a second longer, which is also hard for me to comprehend. We are also not asking for much, ideally 2 nights a month, but I would take about anything I could get right now. I also need to know if these things should be discussed just by the two of them alone or should I have some part in it as well.