Originally Posted by redpepper
Is she aware that you think your marriage is over? You might want to tell her that. I would be really up set if my husband kept that from me because I don't feel that way. I would want to know how to make him believe it isn't and then do those things. This is what I did when I met my boyfriend. My husband was very honest about how he felt and I did everyhting I could to make sure he knew I loved him. Its a two way thing, not one way. If you are determined she be happy, do you not think she would want that for you? Start setting up your boundaries with her, negotiate. She doesn't get to have it all her way. You are still married and if she really is poly, she loves you just as much as she always has. Don't set het up with your assumptions. Noit fair! Tell her and talk it all through.
Excellent points and fair questions. No, she does not. I've just come to that realization.
I have had time to look at this from a different perspective and believe this is happening because of a number of factors.
1) I'm not what she needs or wants in a partner for her to feel fulfilled, and that she is afraid to discuss her unhappiness about the current state of our relationship.
2) Distance and emotional dishonesty on my part kept me willfully ignorant of what was happening. Ok that's not true I could see and feel the spiritual distance but didn't know what to do to address it. I've lived a very small life in the last couple of years because of a Back injury, but mostly because of my uneasiness with how things stood between us. This has only made the low level dissatisfaction worse for her, for us.
3) To be truly "poly" both parties must agree to be in this, but that agreement must come without fear of loss or rejection if the other says no thank you. And that is where I am right now. I've agreed and gone along with it because I instinctively knew the real reason for this taking place.
4) We all want to be with someone who we can be proud of, someone we can talk about with our friends and family and say: Wow! look at what they did or have accomplished" and I have failed in that. Completely my fault. My lack of direction and living in fear of loss or failure have created this perfect storm moment. When we met I was a free spirit, afraid of nothing and willing to try just about anything, but over the years I have become.......lost and forgotten with little Idea of how to get that man back. My wife simply wants that feeling and opportunity again, as any of us would. so the least that I can do to try to end this on a high note for her. I hope her date tonight rocks her world, but I have no illusions as to the final outcome. Her "date" is what I used to be, only younger and still building an interesting life.
5) We hide the real reasons for this behind the story of "Try something new, Shared adventure, Naughty exciting" when what it really is, is a way of breaking up without having to address the true problem(s). My wife is a loving strongwilled person but she has just as much difficulty discussing or addressing issues that may hurt the other, or in this case me. her dissatisfaction has been evident for some time but neither of us has wanted to "dive in: and deal, Ya know?
I'm still open.......a wee bit, that this may be a good thing for both of us but until the other stuff is sorted out this haze of uncertainty and fear remain.
I appreciate your candor and willingness to help out. Your Questions and opinions give me alot to think about and look at. if you think I'm off course here by all means let me know.