Gosh, where do I start. First off, I haven't been on here in a while sorry about that! I've just started fall semester, having troubles with my eldest child. I hope everyone has been doing well! I will try to read some recent posts and comment a bit.
Last time I was on, I talked about how I was embarking on allowing an open relationship with my bf. He has been poly for years, and something that I am genuinely interested in (after fighting it at first), and given my tendency to feel strangled by overly jealous lovers, I think it could very well work for me too at some point. (With this new perspective, I've already felt the joyous freedom of feeling attracted to someone new and knowing it would be ok to pursue them!)
So my bf has been interested in these two other girls for a while now (few months), hasn't been dating them, just chatting and emailing and hanging out with friends because he's been waiting for me to feel ok with him going ahead with them. I thought long and deep and searched my feelings about him seeing other women and I thought I came to the conclusion that even though it would be difficult, I really felt it was something I could do!
About two weeks ago, my poor bf (gah - I hate that - I have to name him, so I will call him, fictitiously of course, Nick). Anyway Nick was on a fire (meaning he was fighting wildland fires) and while he was gone I just suddenly fell back into my old pattern of thought. I felt jealous and angry, I felt like he just didn't want to spend any time with me and that he was constantly filling up his life with other things. (he's involved with theater, etc)
And so we ended up chatting online while he was gone and I ended up breaking it off with him because he told me that he was planning on spending more time pursuing these two other women when he got back from fire. It went amicably at the time, I just sort of bowed out mainly because this seemed like another thing that was taking what fraction of time he had left for me away! (with me so far?)
Anyway so after that I just got very angry. I don't know - for several days I just started fuming inside about how he didn't care about me, didn't want to be with me in first place, because if he did he wouldn't be doing this, blah blah....I really filled myself with negative, even malicious thoughts. All the ground I had covered in the preceding months just seemed to disappear and the old emotional habits started up again.
I admit I was being horrid, I guess because I felt horrid. And Nick, unconditional lover that he is, still responded with nothing but love. On Sunday, I called him and he said he was having one of his gfs over for dinner. I just felt heartbroken, but what the hell? I don't know why. I broke up with him, and he had already told me he was planning on spending more time with them, why would I feel so hurt by this? I just started imagining that he would use all his smooth moves and they would, well you know..My mind went to all the places it's best not to go.
I was so angry and hurt that when he came by yesterday to pick up some stuff, I was just cold to him. He started to say I love you and I slammed the door in his face
. We talked later and he said he thought that slamming the door in his face was a fitting metaphor for all we've been through. He said that all he wants to do is love me and all I do is try to get away, or push him away...in effect slam the door on his love.
Well, with the long story out of the way (sorry!!) I just wonder if any other successfully poly relationships have started out this way? I know I have it in me somewhere to embrace this, I don't understand why I totally lost it and all I could do was react to my pain and uncertainty with rage and coldness. I feel so terrible about the way I have acted.
I seemed to just sit and dwell and twist things around in my head. I was thinking things like, he just wants to f*** around, he is so shallow and egotistical that he needs all this attention from women, etc....Just thinking all these poison thoughts that are so ingrained I honestly don't know what's reality anymore! Then I talked to some friends about it (who btw are FIERCELY mono - so not the best choice of audiences) and they were all about adding more poison.
I felt like I was almost there, what happened??
Nick and I talked last night and one question just rings in my head: What is it about romantic relationships that make one feel SO jealous? I mean, people don't generally feel jealous of friends when they go to the movies together or some other innocuous thing....it has to be focused on the sexual part, the physical intimacy part I should say (since even kissing or cuddling can make people rage with jealousy). What is SO threatening about that?? If I could figure that out, maybe I could understand my Giant Step Backward.