This sounds so much more like an addiction than love... I agree with what River said.
Maybe you should take some much needed time alone to really map out what it is you truly want in life, then set guidelines for reaching those goals. Keeping in mind that you can't include anyone FOR SURE in the list, because each individual gets to make their own choices.
BUT-in my opinion, if you DON'T want to be there and you are that miserable, then it's not polyamory. It's hell and that's a silly place to put yourself-even for "love" and "attraction".
There's literally billions of men on this earth. But, if you want them to pay attention to you so that you can find one worth a shit, you have to care enough about you to be sure that you keep yourself inline with what makes you happy in life.