Thread: New babies
View Single Post
Old 03-09-2011, 07:14 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,013

Originally Posted by axlfreak View Post
he feels that at his age he doesn't have much time to lose, and K is ready right now. so he thinks those things together make it time. i just don't. and when he asks me about kids, i have to honestly say the we, all of us together in this situation, aren't ready. and he seems to see that as me saying i'm not ready. and here is K..being ready... what i plan to talk to him about is if he's waited this long, he's in his 40s, he can wait another year or two to make sure things are right between us all, or at least right between he and whoever the mother will be.
Ugh. Have you two spoken together about finances and how that would work? Insurance? If he gets insurance from his job, she likely can't be on his plan, so does she have her own or will you guys be expected to buy more insurance separately for her? Whose income foots what bills? Will she work, too? Live with you full-time? If your husband expected to support her and her child (if they have one), will he still be able to continue supporting his relationship with you in the same way that he has financially? What happens if medical problems occur, with the pregnancy, birth, or with the child? Do you work? How will you protect your income and your interests? Have you two sat down and done the bookkeeping and projected what it will cost to you both to have not one but two additions to your household? And what if she has twins?

In addition to that, have you met anyone in her family yet? Do you really know who she is and what she's after? What's her history? And her credit history? Do a background check - at least. Does she have a lot of debt? If she does, will she continue being responsible for it or does she want help with that? If she works, what will she do about her bills and debts when she has to take leave for pregnancy? Does she get paid leave at her job? Will you be expected to babysit when she goes back to work? If she decides to be a stay-at-home mom, can you and your husband handle the extra expenses of two more mouths to feed without any added income? And could you handle having her at home all the time?

Has any of the above been discussed?

Just because he's starting to feel that age is a factor and if he wants kids he better do it now, that is a lousy reason to have children. The only reason should be that you earnestly and truly want to bring a human being in the world to nurture and raise with love, to take responsibility for their health and emotional well-being, and to prepare that child for becoming a good and productive person in the world who will give back and not be dependent on you forever. Satisfying an urge isn't enough.

It is a huge responsibility to bring a life into this world. The fact that neither of you wanted to do this before speaks volumes of how much you understood that, as well as the risks and rewards. It is suspicious that she comes into the picture and suddenly he wants kids, and now you do too. It's like she has worked voodoo on you both.

I think when you talk to him, in addition to telling him to wait a few years before fathering any children (your logic is very sound on that!), you might want to suggest that he also take a break from seeing her for a while, perhaps a few months, until you both feel your relationship is strong enough for adding another, and if and when you have all "child-rearing" talks done down to the last little detail. If they truly have a relationship that is strong enough for them to consider creating a new life, it should be strong enough to survive keeping it in his pants for a while and focusing on YOU and his relationship with you. Then he can see if his feelings for her or for getting her pregnant has changed after some time apart. Not too much to ask, in my opinion.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 03-09-2011 at 08:06 AM.
Reply With Quote