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Old 03-09-2011, 06:05 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RobFire View Post
I see a lot of wisdom in this analogy as well, and it strikes at the heart of the situation.

One thing I have tried to do to help ease the fear of drowning is to make attempts to, in the spirit of the analogy, bring her to the kiddie pool where she can feel the bottom with her back and still have her head above water.

To do this I have removed any threat of entering into any actual poly relationships. Also, to help her understand that she would need to be the driving force behind any move in that direction. And also to let her know that even if she were to want to enter poly relationships, I would still resist until I saw certain signs that assured me she was solidly ready to try again. (and never, ever, quickly, or in the heat of infatuation, like the last time)

Thanks for the analogy, and for being part of the support system my wife is lucky to have here!
These are great thoughts, and I am glad you are thinking this way. But be prepared for some surprise emotions if and when the time comes to go back in the water. Talking and reading only does so much, when full faced with the situation, no matter how prepared you are, there may be emotions that weren't expected.

I say this as a hope to save you some of the things Karma and I went through. Karma and I had a talk about how I needed to see him and Cricket together. I need to see kissing and cuddling and whatnot, because without seeing it, I convinced myself it wasn't happening and that did nothing for healing and moving forward. Shortly after expressing this need, Cricket stayed the night. I went to bed early because I was having a hard time seeing them together. Yes they were doing what I asked, and hurt a lot more than I expected. I still needed it to happen though. This led to an argument between Karma and I. He felt I was telling him it was no longer okay, or that it was his fault for hurting me, or that I was going backwards (having said it was okay and then hurting). I had to explain to him that I knew it would be painful to see them together, but in order for me to heal I needed to see it.

This is what I mean by being prepared. That night caused a huge fight. Karma was hurting because I was hurting. He even offered to break up with Cricket to make it easier on me. That was not what I wanted at all. But I was still healing, I was not going to be okay with things over night. Just because it hurt, didn't mean I wanted it to stop. It was something I had to go through to get to the otherside.

Don't abandon all hope. Work together. Be honest with eachother. Be aware of your needs and make them known. Healing takes time and comes in stages.
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