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Old 03-08-2011, 09:32 PM
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MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 192

This is heart wrending.

I hope you find avenues to see others' pain beyond you and your daughters.

If you can see that pain, it is tons easier to act compassionately and not contribute to the damage.

It is just so easy in this situation - because of your own intense pain - to seek to maximize the damage, pain, destruction. Maximizing her pain because of her failure(s) does nothing to lessen your pain or your daughters and is most likely to deepen the pain for all involved.

I hope you can find compassion despite your hurt. Your actions in that frame of mind are more likely to support healing - if only for your daughter.

I have had to struggle through this problem recently. When the anger and hurt crept up into my throat... I focused on seeing my wife's pain. I didn't condone her actions. I didn't allow her to continue to be in a position to be hurtful and quickly made the changes that had to be made. I also avoided - for the most part - acting in anger (even if I didn't always avoid speaking out of anger) because I tried to see her pain through my tears and anger.

I've re-written this five times because I can't quite communicate how connected I feel to what you're experiencing and the hope I have that you can avoid doubling down on the magnitude of the pain in your family.
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“Instead of getting better and better at avoiding, learn to accept the present moment as if you had invited it. And work with it instead of against it. And making it your ally rather than your enemy.”
-Pema Chodron

Last edited by MindfulAgony; 03-08-2011 at 09:32 PM. Reason: can't quite find the words...