thanks and I was speaking more figuratively. The other thread explains in more detail. I'm not sure I care about collateral damage as it relates to my wife and her bf....from their words in the email traffic they were not concerned with how others felt. I understand the point of view of some to see this as a mistake or accident or even the result of snoppy daughter. Its much much more complex.... The people I told the two therapists ( man and woman) and the lawyer all listen seem to understand then spent an hr with the material and all came back with different looks on their faces and tones in their voices. The woman seemed to have had a hard time perhaps having just met with my daughter. They where all shocked.... and they seem to get it the gravity of the situation better.