Thread: New babies
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Old 03-08-2011, 04:46 AM
axlfreak axlfreak is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 15
Question New babies

I'm having a little trouble navigating the posts. I've been reading bits of Mono's journey, and appreciating his mono in a poly view point. However I was wondering about a woman in this position. Is anyone out there a mono woman in a poly relationship?

I guess I need to be even more specific. As I mentioned in my intro (I think it was there) my husband has taken a girlfriend. My husband who was not poly, or didn't realize he was poly, before this. Well things are going ok. I still feel a lot of the things Mono mentions. Like hard days and easy days, like jealousy and compersion. I still don't know what I'm doing half the time, but it still feels ok.

However there is a new development. R, who is my husband, and I have always said we weren't having kids. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and always told me he didn't want more. Well when we first got together 12 years ago, I didn't want kids either. And even as I've aged the kid thing hasn't been a deal breaker. So whenever the idea occurred to me that I might like a child, instead of reveling on it, I let it go. It was never important enough to upset what we already had.

Well enter K into the equation. She is R's girlfriend, in case you didn't read my intro. Also as backstory R is in his 40s, I'm recently 30, and K is mid 20s. K wants kids. Always has. She even mentioned this to R before they were dating. Well somewhere along the way K has 'pushed R's baby button.' (his words)

So here I am. New to this world of Poly-amory, my head swimming with emotion at the idea that he wants/needs another person in addition to me, and now he wants her to have his babies.

So there is a mass of emotion from me. Of course the knee jerk reaction of 'No!' 'If I can't have your kids, no one can' 'Why her, why not me?' That last one is the one that sticks. It's hard enough to deal with him wanting her at all. And now he wants her to be the mother of his children. To raise kids with her. That's a life. That's my life, I thought.

So that's where I need the advice. I need someone who has been here, or near here to tell me about their story. What they did and how it went.

I feel like there are so many ways to go from here. Since this is all so new, and since I feel I am mono at my core, there is always the instinct to run. But I love R. And I want him to be happy, and I want this to work. But I am so scared. What happens if they decide to have kids? (And it will be a decision, one that I am a part of, but not the ultimate decider) Can I handle it? As much as I feel everything has changed, that's surely nothing compared to how it will change if she's pregnant.

Will I be able to stay? Will it all be too much? What if things don't end up working between them? (They did just start dating 2 months ago) If I leave have I lost any chance? If I leave and things don't work with her, will I want him still? If I stay what becomes of the shambles we've made? What if she gets pregnant and decides she can't have another woman around? And on and on...

I've been able to get caught up with everything else. We have even talked about her living with us. But this baby thing has me all disoriented again. Not to mention that it has me wanting babies. Which of course makes anyone wonder, me included, why now? Am I trying to keep him by having a baby? I don't think so. But then again I have never trusted my own feelings.

Anyway, you can see I'm a wreck. I was just hoping someone out there has had a similar experience and can help me shed some light on mine. If you are that person, reply away. If you know that person, send her my way. If there is a post on here you know of that I haven't found, point me to it.
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