View Single Post
Old 03-07-2011, 01:30 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Hi there, Minty. I found your last post quite thought-provoking. I'm not going to try and convince you of one way or another, but just thought I'd post some of the questions and responses you brought up in my mind. Maybe these will help in some way when next you discuss it with your husband.

Originally Posted by MintyGum View Post
I find myself thinking, What's the point of wanting children or long-term goals with this one man anymore, if he isn't satisfied with only me?
Just because one person in a couple can find satisfaction with someone else does not mean that the partner he is coupled with does not also satisfy him. We all have varying needs. Having certain needs fulfilled by one person does not necessarily equate with the other person not being enough or not being just as satisfying, but that they are satisfying in a different way.

Originally Posted by MintyGum View Post
Then there is the third woman to console. It's not fair to her if we have the option to drop her like a hat when we decide we don't want her anymore. It doesn't work that way, she's a person too, with feelings and emotions.
Egad, no one deserves to be rejected because of a couple's whims. I wouldn't even enter into the possibility of inviting someone into your relationship if you think there will be a chance you wouldn't "want her anymore," like a used-up toy. If you do become involved with a third, they should be accorded the same respect you have for one another, or any other close friend. Why would the fact that your husband (or both of you?) being sexual with an additional person could possibly make such dehumanizing treatment of someone even an option to consider? You say on one hand that your husband wants "a genuine poly-relationship with equal love and care shared among us all," so discarding her shouldn't even be something that enters the equation, in my opinion, if what he wants is the goal.

Originally Posted by MintyGum View Post
She will see us having children and making milestones like she's sitting on the bleachers watching our game of life with no connection to it. That kills me! I don't see anything fair with the role of secondaries in regards to the roles of primaries in this type of relationship.
Why do you think your husband's secondary, if she goes along with that kind of hierarchical labeling, wouldn't have other lovers to satisfy her other needs as well? You seem to think in terms of only a woman who lives with you two as a third, but there are all kinds of possibilities and configurations. And would you only consider someone to be a third who would not also perhaps want children of her own? Would it be strictly forbidden for your husband to father children with someone else, if it was a love relationship and they both wanted it? Can you put such a rule on another woman's womb? And what if he wants to be with someone who already has kids? You don't know who it would be, so would you consider that kind of scenario? If you did engage in a poly tangle, why would you think her life outside of what she has with you two would be empty and devoid of satisfaction from anything else? Wouldn't you want to be involved with someone who is stable, happy, and NOT co-dependent or focused solely on your relationship as the be-all and end-all?

Originally Posted by MintyGum View Post
Also, I'll never be able to introduce her to my family, friends, peers, coworkers, etc. as who she really is. I can't help feeling like it will be like a horrible dirty secret.
Lots of people have threads here dealing with that topic. It's not impossible.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 03-07-2011 at 01:40 AM.
Reply With Quote