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Old 03-06-2011, 11:31 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Even though your heart has been dashed to bits, you can take comfort in knowing that it ended because he feels he couldn't give you what you needed. It would feel far worse if it was due to the relationship having disintegrated into something painful and antagonistic. So, at least there's that. And because of that, I would think dialogue and communication are still possible between you.

Now, about relating to all your mutual friends. I have been a part of several large circles of friends and acquaintances in the past. Both these groups saw lots of dating amongst each other going on. Yes, several times I had dated someone who had previously dated another woman I was friends with, and who subsequently dated another friend. Past loves would be invited to weddings and housewarmings, would fix each other up with new friends, and so on, and everyone knew we'd all just moved on. I've always been a proponent of recycling boyfriends, haha, anyway...

Now, granted we all were very outspoken and willing to look at the dynamics of relationships, friendships, and so on. These were both groups of people that embraced self-awareness, self-examination, and were kind of part of the human potential movement, so to speak, so it might be a bit different than your circle of friends. However...

Personally, I had a few relationships in these circles that ended and I saw that instinctively I wanted to isolate myself from the pack to deal with it. But not hiding out helped immensely!! I still showed up to social events and get-togethers -- why be the one who's curled in a corner crying? -- and I reminded myself that I had every right to be out and about with them as he did. I had friends I wanted to stay in touch with. It's so easy to think that a group will follow conventional stupidity and take sides when a couple in their midst breaks up, but you can make sure you don't present an attitude that would be ripe for that happening.

I just held my held high, whether I felt I did something wrong in the relationship to bring about its end or not, and I talked about it to the people with whom I felt safe, until it could be acknowledged more openly among everyone. I talked about my feelings, without wanting to turn anyone against my new ex, but just to be heard. If you're careful not to trash someone after they break up with you, all your friends will likely be able to be supportive of both of you. Give yourself enough private time to mourn the relationship, too, and it won't be as hard to face all your mutual friends out in the open.

But go out and socialize with everyone just for the sake of getting out and being in the company of people you like. You don't have to talk abut it if you don't feel like it, either, and you can say so if someone asks what happened and you're not ready to answer. Just take care of yourself, whether you're alone or in a crowd.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-07-2011 at 02:33 AM.
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