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Old 09-15-2009, 07:30 AM
SilverPhoenix SilverPhoenix is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 9

Originally Posted by Karelia View Post
Now, your situation is very, very different because you are not involved with the others in your partners' lives...
It's not that specifically really... I'm involved as much as I can be with F's best friend, him being overseas as well. And I really am happy for C and his new gal, but... I know she's nervous about the whole thing and she even stated "it kinda feels like I'm the mistress meeting the wife"... but with our schedule differences I never get to see her when I work, and I would like to talk with her and hopefully be friends as I said before. If not friends, at least I'd like to just talk with her.. answer questions about me if she has em, or about my view on the relationship(s) or anything!

And it's a good percantage of the problem that she's the only other gal in the picture and I have no clue how to handle that either, if I even get a chance to. I'm more of a tomboy and don't know how to relate to "real" girls, hehe.

The key is to figure out what you need in order to be happy. IF - and I'm not saying this is the case, but IF - you really can't be happy just because he's happy, that doesn't make you a bad person. It just means that's part of who you are. What would be bad, though, would be to lie and pretend it is something you can handle if you genuinely can't.
I am happy he's having fun and getting to know someone! I just would be happier if I knew her... at least in passing chatter now and then... as well. I'm just insecure about myself and trying to not.. push her or overwhelm her really. I would love to have a gal as a friend if possible and I bet I'd be happy to just know more about her. I'm trying to not be intrusive though either. It's... frustrating and confusing a bit on how to handle any of it or what to do at this point other than sit back and be on the sidelines of it... I'm trying to be friendly toward her through him and asking about how she's doing, etc... but I also don't want to seem like I'm being nosy toward her or being overprotective or butting in.

It's also possible this other woman might be tremendously uncomfortable being friends with you.
Yeah, that's one of the thoughts I've had... although I really hope not. Part of the poly relationship, to me anyway, is knowing all involved at least as aquaintances if not friends or lovers, knowing what they do for a living, about them in general, etc.

She may be okay with the concept of you... the reality of you, however, may be another story. So, hard as it is, you may have to accept that she can't handle a friendship with you... and maybe THAT is something you will find you can't accept. Maybe if you could know her and feel she's worthy of sharing him with you, that would help ease some of your concerns. I am not sure, but I do know trust is paramount and if I were in your shoes, I know that not knowing her would be very hard for me because I could never trust her to not try to steal him away or change things. That would be something I'd definitely struggle with.
Yes.. yes, exactly.

Now, all of these things are just how I'd feel... but I do think it's worth asking yourself if this is entirely about low self-esteem or if there is a fundamental difference in how you see his outside relationships. Just because HE can be happy when you're happy with someone else doesn't mean you can or even have to be. You are you.
I think he's happy sitting back and doing the smile and nod thing and he trusts me to make the judgements too, but I tend to tell him EVERYTHING about what's going on voluntarily, whereas he doesn't sometimes share things with me, at least not everything. And I'm too curious for my own good sometimes. And yeah, I am probably not comfortable sitting back and smiling and nodding myself. But as they just started into a relationship (as far as I'm told, hehe), I'm giving time and trying to be patient, but at the same time my head's whirling and I'm curious and a bit frustrated in general. I also don't want to make either of them unhappy just because I want to know things. *sigh* I think I'd be sadder over them breaking up over my inability to chill than otherwise.

I could not handle my triad if we were not poly-fi. I relate very closely to things I've read by Mono on this forum, where I am emotionally committed to my lovers. I have one of each, and that's all I want. I don't think I would be very good at juggling more than these two, and more to the point, I don't want to.
See, at first we were closed with possible open-ness... and entertained an idea of becoming quad at one point.. but with F being overseas and wanting a guy who's more gay than C as well, it's hard to keep a closed triad with that. And eventually I'd like to meet a nice gal myself... but that's another thought thread altogether, hehe.

Mainly it's just .. I don't know what to do without being intrusive, or if I should be intrusive or what I should do. Or could do. I know what I want to do but I'm trying to let things on their end take its own pace... but I don't want, at the same time, to have her think I'm NOT interested in knowing her either. *sigh*

Yes.. yes, I am wordy. Sorry.
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