So, I was being an abuser because I felt I was supposed to be.
But I hated it. It was a terrible thing to do, a terrible thing to be. I loved him so much, yet I was hurting him. And I was also not listening to myself. I was doing things that hurt him but also hurt me. I didn't want things to be that way. Yet I felt they had to.
Raga is a very good person, and if you read this, Raga, I want you to know that I do believe you have many, many qualities, and your big flaw is lack of self-confidence, lack of self-worth and as a result refusal to get help (probably because you believe you don't deserve it?)
I wanted you to get help, I wanted it so much. I was convinced it would solve all your problems, and as a result mine (wasn't I acting that way because you expected, wanted me to?) I was quick to blame my problems on you, both because I felt I was reacting more than acting, but also because that fit well in the whole dynamics we had created for ourselves.
I needed an outlet where I wasn't a bad person, where I wasn't hurting people, where I was an independent woman who took care of herself.
I didn't find it. Not in France where I felt I had to deal with your issues more than ever, not in Canada where I couldn't work or study and felt dependent on you... yet resented you for it because I felt you wanted me to. You wanted to feel like I was using you, because being used, being taken advantage of, that's what you know.
But I didn't want that. I wanted to move someplace else where I could do other things, feel productive, maybe be able to relax from the stress our relationship was causing for me (just like it was stressful for you, I'm sure).
And yet I was stuck there, and it stayed that way, and neither of us acted much to change it. We were both still stuck in the dynamics that called for the relationship to remain that way.
When I started a relationship with Seamus, I felt I was the person I liked being again. I was nice. I was happy. I tried hard to take that into my relationship with Raga, but I had no success. The same patterns would reappear, start all over again.
Eventually, I felt too much pressure from it all, and asked to go back to France (which I had talked about a lot in the past, except this time I put my foot down). There I thought I could feel like my old self again, I could escape from the relationship. Raga had finally started therapy, and I thought this way we would both get better, and we would have a better shot at trying again.
Well, I talked earlier about what happened then. And then and ever since, I haven't felt able to break the old patterns. I still get cruel. Every time he complains about how hard it is for him, I feel like he's asking me to make it harder, or to tell him it is NOT hard.
I don't think the relationship has much of a chance now. I am still aiming to and hoping for a friendship, but we both need a lot of time before that's possible. We need to rebuild trust. It must seem obvious to everyone how much I have hurt him, what might be less obvious is that he hurt me, too. I don't think either of us wanted things to happen that way. But now we need to reach a place where we won't hurt each other, so we can have a healthy relationship, and I don't think I'll ever be willing for it to be something else than a friendship. I think at this point I'm just too worried it would start all over again, and I feel we're just bad for one another.
I need someone who expect me to be a great person, consciously and unconsciously, so I can be one and feel good about it. And Raga needs someone who won't fall into the pattern, won't feel the hole of abuser he creates when he places himself as abused. Or to learn to appreciate himself, recognise his strengths, work on his weaknesses so he can go into the next relationship as a more confident, happier man who knows he deserves to be happy, loved and respected, and won't take anything less, and for that I believe he needs to be alone, as otherwise he could use a relationship as his crutch and not get where he needs to be, or the relationship, which could have worked really well, might be destroyed by issues that aren't fixed yet.
I'm afraid I did a lot of speaking for Raga here. I could be wrong about all of it, and Raga, if you read this, you should feel free to add your own comments on any or all of it. I said things the way I feel about them, now, in retrospect, and it helped me understand a lot about myself, it was some kind of self-therapy, and I believe my points still stand if I was wrong, the premise is just different: instead of Raga subconsciously wanting me to act one way, it's me misinterpreting things and thinking he did. Either way, the result was as I've just explained.