Originally Posted by Mahogany
But with the boundaries set the way they are I CAN do this.....the agreement is that our poly will ALWAYS and ONLY include her WITH me and him. That if she is to be with him sexually or otherwise....I need to be involved and present as well and comfortable. I like this a lot, and am comfortable with this.....we have had sex together the 3 of us (I hope I don't offend anyone by stating that)...we three have been on dates, and she has spent the night at our house....
If this is all true then why do I hurt???
Has anyone went through this, or have a partner go through this???
Is this normal growing pains, or red flags that I can't do this at all???
Does it sound like I CAN do this and I just need time to adjust???? Or should I run for the hills???
It sounds like there is some light. I am so glad for you...
The first paragraph I quoted is a red flag to me... minor one, but something to be aware of just the same. I underlined the parts I wish to address.
It is not the best idea, speaking from my experience, to set anything in stone. It is likely that your man will wander again and will go through many changes in his life with poly. As will you, now that you are aware of it. After all, the nature of poly is that one loves many. No one has any idea on where that love will come from. With monogamy it comes from loving one person, but that can fail and both parties can move on to loving others. In poly, relationships don't end very often, they morph into something else as new lovers come along and while people sometimes go by the way side as the natural course, there is very little need for a break up when new people come into our lives to love. It is likely that holding to this promise of ALWAYS and ONLY will become a constraint at some point... (read my blog in the last 6 weeks and you will see).
In poly you can and often do, create what works for you. The rules are thrown out the window and whatever works for those involved is what is the path... changeable path. Please don't think you can mono-ize your poly husband. Its dangerous and unfair. He himself has said that he has loved many women over the years... that is likely to continue... let it and embrace it. It is what makes him special.
As for the sex. That is also a red flag. Please consider that they will not want you around all the time until their dying day. It just isn't realistic or fair ... again, monoizing a poly relationship. You could enjoy sexy times with them both, but it is important that they have their own time and you have your own time with him.... and her as friends or otherwise. Privacy in relationships is so important and necessary. Security and trust depend on it for the long term I think.
If you are to make this work for the long haul, then I suggest letting go of what you think should be the rules and see where the flow takes you all. I know you are still in pain and it is okay to have these compromises right now. You need that right now. They are likely very concerned for you and want you to be loved as much as possible. This is a huge gift from them and one that you should cherish I think... after a time, start giving them the gift of privacy, "compersion (do a tag search for this)," and trust with your heart. Take your time, ask them for what you need and be considerate to their needs. You are just as important as they are in this respect..... creating a wall around your life is not an option any more if he is poly.
Give them their freedom when you are ready... they are going at your pace right now. That is a good thing. It sounds like you are doing the work needed to make this work for you all. Good for you!
Have you read here yet? Please, I urge you too. You are not alone. There is no need to ask if this is all normal. If you read in the "New to Poly" section alone you will see almost every thread is the same as yours in some way.... please read and search on here and elsewhere. I highly encourage that for all of you... That is what this forum is for as much as expressing what goes on for us.