Originally Posted by JRiverMartin
Several earlier posts in this thread include suggestions that sex is somehow primary or core or central to polyamory. This is false. The core of polyamory is about love, not sex. Polyamorous people generally see sex as one way of expressing and experiencing love, and choose not to stand in the way when someone they love wants to share love with others -- including sexual expression and experience.
I think of it like this.: Most monogamous couples do not stand in the way of "allowing" their lover to have friendships with others, including loving ones -- or even passionately loving ones. (Remember, passion does not equal sex!)
Jack and Jill don't generally want to draw a line, preventing their partner from, say, enjoying dinner and a movie with a friend. These are shared pleasures, right? But Jack and Jill, being monogamous, draw the line at sex. That's not allowed with others. Are we to think that loving "platonic" friends aren't sharing love while sharing (expressing/experiencing) a dinner and a movie? All activities shared with a loving friend can be expressions and experiences of love, including sex.
Sex, like dinner and a movie ... or a hike in the woods or a picnic in the park... are shared pleasures. Ideally, there would be love experienced and expressed in all of them. Love is what's central and core, here. Not sex.
Sex cannot be the central theme of human relating. Love must be that central theme, or it isn't quite fully human relating. Love is the central theme of human existence. >>> continued >>>
This is the concept that I'm having trouble with. I feel like I get what you're saying, but I'm not quite to where I get the whole concept. Bear with me, I'm just on the edge of understanding but can't quite get over.
Coming from a monogamous mindset, sex is something that married couples share exclusively between themselves. It's supposed to be special, something that only they do together. It is not casual in a loving relationship. Perhaps I'm unusual. I find sex reassuring, comforting, a physical connection with someone I love. It's a bonding exercise. If I allow my husband to have sex with someone else, then he is bonding with them in a very special way that is supposed to be something special we do between the two of us. Have you ever been hurt that a friend shared something special that was supposed to be between the two of you with someone else? Even something as small as a trip to the mall? Well, let's establish that I have. How then am I to reconcile the fact that this one act, this thing that I share only with someone I love and have no desire to share with anyone that I do not have deep, committed feelings for, how do I accept that he shares it with someone else? I feel like I must accept that he either 1) feels strongly for the other woman, which makes me ask, where does that leave me? or 2) gives away casually what is so deeply important to me, which makes me wonder where that leaves our relationship.