She said she wanted to work things out, but she doesn't want to reconcile because they had a horrible relationship. He can court her, however, and try to woo her back. Then she said she was tired of trying to work on a relationship she's never been happy with, so she was done, she wanted to split up. Now she's in love with him again, and she wants to make it work and reconcile, but it's all up to him. They haven't slept together in over 18 months, until last night when she decided she wanted to patch it all up. All this since Monday.
He asked if I was up for a phone call tonight, said that he and I were still solid and our relationship is good. I said yes, I'd love a call... and he says "ok, I'll ask if it's ok. She might want to spend time with me to work on our relationship, and I told her I'd ask permission before spending any time with you until she feels comfortable again."
I wanted to be a part of their family. I have stayed in hotels, rented cars, changed plans, cancelled tickets, rescheduled trips, all so that she would feel comfortable. I even paid for them to have couples counseling, and date nights (because she wouldn't have date nights in with him... she said it was too stressful. So I sent money so they could go out.).
I feel... sick. Lost. Used. I want to know why anyone but he and I gets to give or withold PERMISSION for us to talk on the phone or see each other. I am fine if she wants to talk about dates, times, etc., and even if she wants to request restrictions, but I want to be in on the negotiations. I want an opportunity to put in a suggestion for compromise if the times she picks won't work around my schedule (I have a very busy, complicated work life, plus school). I want to be part of the communication.
I fear that she is going to tell him that he cannot be involved with me anymore, and that he'll agree... and that I will never have a chance. My relationship fate will be decided completely without me.
Is this poly? Real-life, honest to goodness poly? Because I don't know if I can do this... I thought there was supposed to be communication, and compromise. She has several SOs, so why can't my b/f have me and me him? I can't even have anyone outside of my relationship with him, because she felt uncomfortable with it, and didn't trust my judgment. If I wanted to stay in the relationship with my b/f, I couldn't date anyone she hadn't approved in person. Since I'm 2k miles away, that's a little bit of an issue. I have to believe that this is not the way poly is supposed to be done. Please tell me that it's not this way all the time... I need hope. I am dealing with the possibility (probability) that he is going to leave me to keep her. I'm not okay with it, and I am having a lot of problems not doing something stupid, but I'll deal. I just need hope that poly can be possible.